Articles

September 1, 2010

My Top Secrets for Attracting the Right Person (Sept 2010 Coach Line Newsletter Article)

This month I’ve decided to share with you my top secrets for unlocking my luscious self! I have been blessed over the years attracting fabulous men in my life. After my divorce my good fortune extended to two long term relationships with great men I still adore and love. I’ve also had the great fortune of meeting and dating fabulous men in between these relationships. Everywhere I go, I meet men!

Yes, we all have the keys to attracting and meeting the right person, so it’s time you flaunt what you’ve got! No! I don’t mean flaunt as in being ‘a floozies or cheap’, but flaunt as in being ‘top of the line’ or ‘over the top’ luscious or hunky’!

As you read through my secrets, you’ll notice some basic themes. Investing in ‘me’ has been a life-long process. By this I mean investing in my physical, spiritual, mental and emotional well-being is important. I have always known that my mind +body +spirit connection = happy and well-adjusted.

Keep work separate from play. Do not take your hard-edged, driven, “I’m #1” work attitude into the dating world. It won’t attract the people you really want in your life. Plus, a constant focus on work with little time for a social life puts a huge wall between you and meeting your future mate.

Smile and radiate happiness. I am not a drama queen. I’m not a wall-flower. I’m not a couch potato. I’m not a gold-digger. Nope! I am outgoing, happy, loving, and nurturing. I’m responsible and independent. I smile a lot. I’m positive and hopeful. I connect and engage with others.

Are you a workaholic? Do you lack a robust social life? If you work during what should be your play time, the answer is yes! Do you use work as an excuse to avoid intimacy? I lost a great relationship because I put work first instead of my honey. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Yes, work is demanding, but if you don’t take care of yourself and take time for your dating and relationship needs, you’ll be no good to anyone. I have learned to set boundaries between work and play.

I’ve always believed in the strong and powerful connection of mind and body. When my body feels good, it positively affects my thoughts and feelings. I find I’m more upbeat and hopeful. When my thoughts and feelings are down and negative, it’s hard to keep my exercise and physical health and stamina ‘up’. I have a daily focus on keeping both mind and body ‘in shape’. The way I do this is through affirmations, writing, working-out and connecting with people.

Part of my positive focus on mind and body is to ‘feel and look good’. Yes, I’m vane! I admit it. I know when I look at myself in the mirror and I like what I see, even my aging lines, cellulite and, drooping and sagging that comes with age! It’s all me! However, on the day’s when I look in the mirror and my brain says, “Uck” and I want to go back to bed, I know I’m in trouble!

Aging is good thing! Not all women or men are comfortable with their age. I know women who are afraid to be upfront with men about how old they are. I know men who have to preface what they say with “I know I look younger than my age” to somehow soften the reality of how old they are. Everywhere I go, I’m bombarded by people, products and services wanting to turn me into something I’m not or mask who I am. I find this pressure to try to appear younger annoying. I am who I am!

As many of you know, my younger brother passed away in May. When I think about the choice between having more birthdays or my time coming to an end – I choose more birthdays, lots of them to be precise! And if having more birthdays gives me more wrinkles and squishy spots on my body, then bring it on! I am proud of my age. Be proud of yours too and wear it with self-esteem, self-confidence, pride and joy! By the way, I’m 57!

I love clothes, but have never had a lot of money for expensive items. Over the years, I’ve learned how to dress with a flair that’s distinctly my style and reflects my personality. I dress for me and how it makes me feel. My clothes must elevate me. My clothes must reflect my personality. My clothes must not only fit, but accent me! Plus, I want my honey to look at me and say, “Oh! That’s hot!”

With cost in mind, my wardrobe is filled with my favorites from J.C. Penney, Kohl’s, Express, Wal-Mart, and Target and second-hand clothing shops. I shop for bargains and sales all year long. I buy clothes that I know will withstand more than one season of wear. I don’t hesitate to have a clothing item altered to fit me, no matter where I bought it. I make sure the clothes I wear fit me. For example, last summer I bought a black strapless dress for a really reasonable low price from Target for a THE Dating Café event and spent a few extra dollars to have it altered. It’s dynamite! I have my pants/jean altered almost always. Wear clothes that fit you. Wear clothes that enhance. Strong word of advice! Leave the baggy, frumpy, old worn out clothes for hanging around the house. You too guys! Wear shirts that flatter your hunky chest, not oversized styles. I found my unique style; find yours too and make sure it shouts out your personality. Wear only clothes that fit, accent your unique shape and body type. Decorate and adorn your body with clothes that make you happy.

I’m not a big fusser when it comes to my hair. Any style I wear must be quick and easy! I’ve always had straight hair and no matter what product I use, within minutes, my locks are straight like a pencil. In deciding to cut my shoulder length hair many years ago, I had to find a style that fit with me and my ‘rules’ for my ‘do’ – easy, sassy, sexy and classy look. I want ‘my honey’ to look at me with love and lust and so should you!

(Find a hair style that takes ten years off your life.)

b>When I started working an 8 to 5 job during my summer vacations in college, I started an exercise regime every day after work to burn off the stress of a daily corporate experience and carpooling with my Dad and his co-workers. I started a personal workout revolution. For the past 30+ years, I’ve kept my promise and used this time after work to exercise and take care of me. It’s been my transition time from work to home time, something everyone needs, but also a way to stay healthy and happy.

Over the years, I’ve expanded my exercise regime to include running, walking long distances, hiking, bicycling, swimming, working out at the gym and yoga. Even when I’m in a crummy mood and don’t want to change into workout clothes, I still get up and go because I know when I’m finished with the exercise, I’ll feel so much better (back to that mind/body connection!). I like that feeling that I get from a great workout. I want ‘my honey’ to appreciate my body and how hard I work at keeping it healthy and shapely at my age. I want him to look at me with pride and want to ravish me! Don’t you?

Are you an interesting person? Can you talk intelligently about current events or local happenings? Do you read–magazines, newspapers, books, trade journals – you name it, to keep your mind working sharp. I do and I like puzzles. I just finished a book by Tony Hillerman and Janet Evonavich, two of my favorite authors. I want ‘my honey’ to find me an interesting person to talk to and bounce things off of. I want him to feel good about our conversations and exchanges. Who is your favorite author?

I work at expanding my horizons.

I’m the kind of person who needs to feel a sense of belonging, being needed and a spiritual connection. It makes me feel grounded and rooted. Although not religious, I attend and participate most weeks in congregational meetings on Sunday morning, which feeds my need for a sense of belonging and need for continued learning and exploring of new thoughts. It’s widened the group of people I know, who know me, and will look out after me! This is especially important to me since being single can be very lonesome and it’s too easy to fade into the woodwork. I want ‘my honey’ to respect my desire to be with other people with whom I can learn and grow.

Find a group and path that looks out after you!

I love the taste of food, especially crunchy and salty things. Appetizers at the restaurant are a temptation I can’t avoid. I can easily hog the chips and salsa. I could consume a bag of Chili Fritos in a sitting! Put a basket of fresh sour dough bread in front of me and you’ll see it disappear. I also love to cook! Italian recipes with pasta are my favorite. I discipline myself around what I eat and drink. My Rule #1: Moderation. Rule #2: Treat myself now and then to dessert. Rule #3: Savor and enjoy each bite.

However, as much as my taste buds love these tasty treats, time has taught me what foods to avoid and what foods fuel me. Eating ‘right’ for me includes small portions; lots of veggies and fruits with yummy protein and a special treat now and then! I feel so much better physically and mentally when I eat this way. I have learned my attitude is better and my mind is sharp when I eat right. Back to that mind + body connection! Sitting around a dinner table over food is important to me.

I make my food fun and enjoyable. I know it fuels my heart, mind and body.

Though an impulse decision, last year I got a puppy. A Shih Tzu! Buyer’s remorse doesn’t exist at pet stores so there was no turning back. As it turns out, it was one of the best decisions of my life. Yes, having a puppy has tied me down with more responsibility, but it has also given me more joy, laughter and personal connection with people than I’ve had in years.

I’m lucky! My puppy, Sweet Pea, is by all measure, totally adorable. She instantaneously and immediately jumps into the heart of strangers. She instigates conversations out of the middle of nowhere with people I’ve never seen or met – dog lovers or not! I’ve met more people since I brought her home than I’ve met in the last decade. I want ‘my honey’ to appreciate the joy of having an animal in our life.

I acknowledge pets are not for everyone. But consider this. My dog has brought out an even softer and more compassionate side of me. Dogs help you show your sense of giving, generosity and friendliness that can easily be seen by someone looking to meet just the right one!

Lastly, I have learned over the years to no let other people’s expectations haunt and terrorize me into submission or being someone I’m not. Be yourself! If you do not, then you are always at the mercy of what someone else thinks about or wants from you. You’re chained and doomed to fear and misery. Break out! Go for it! Find your bliss! Find your path.

I am who I am. I know that some people like me and some do not. It’s OK! Take your brakes off and jump into life with gusto! Choose to be all that you want to be.

I want ‘my honey’ to take my hand and partner with me in our life together!

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November 2009 - "Make Holiday Dating Feel Like Holiday Magic: Six Holiday Survival Guide Tips"

During the holidays, you want to be memorable for your love of the season and being a great date! Here are six holiday survival guide tips to make the holidays feel like magic.

1. Ring in the Cheer
Parties, food and alcohol go hand in hand during the holidays. Of course, you don’t want to miss out on all of the fun of the season, but your date isn’t interested in being the designated driver so you can party-it-up while he stays legal – or viceversa. To enjoy yourself, your date, the fellow partygoers and the party, moderation is the key here. It’s recommended that you go home in the same shape you arrived, but in the event that you imbibe a bit too much, have your host call a taxi and be safe! Absolutely no cutting corners here for you and your date.

2. Quantum Eating
At first glance, I know it seems like there are quantum amounts of tasty treats at the buffet table and yes, there is always plenty of fabulous food to go around. Please don’t embarrass yourself or your date by gorging yourself at the buffet table simply because you’re starving! Holiday parties are not meant to be a place where engage in quantum eating. Instead, eat something ahead of time especially if you have a hearty appetite or special food needs. It’s important to maintain your table manners even at the buffet table!

3. Secret Santa
Gift giving is definitely a sign of thoughtfulness and generosity and it is fun to shop for an item that you think your date would enjoy. However, exchanging gifts during the holiday season can be awkward. To avoid creating an uncomfortable situation by giving your date a gift and not getting one in return, just ask the simple question, “Are we exchanging gifts with each other?” It opens the door to finding the answer!

4. All That Glitters
Holiday parties are always full of happy, festive guests, lively conversation and discussion of plans for the upcoming New Year. At the same time, going to a holiday party where the only person you know may be your date can be a bit intimidating, especially if you’re not used to being thrust into a group of people you don’t know. Have a conversation with your date ahead of time to discuss how you will be introduced and whether or not you feel comfortable venturing out on your own to meet the guests. If you don’t feel comfortable, be sure to ask your date to please stay close by and provide the introductions. All that glitters will be a happy couple at the end of the evening!

5. Gifts for the Host or Hostess
Make yourself memorable – to you and your date. Even though you’re on the arm of your date who invited you to the party, bring the host or hostess a small token of your appreciation. Think of something the hostess may use that evening, like a wonderfully scented holiday candle or some chocolate covered candy canes. What a great way to say thank you for the invitation.

6. Mistletoe Magic
Everyone who lands under the mistletoe is subject to a holiday kiss, or so the tradition goes. If you and your date somehow land under the mistletoe, a warm embrace and loving kiss are appropriate. Enjoy! MaryBerney©2009

You can find this article posted on the website, www.lifeafter50.com beginning 10.29.09!

October 2009: "Lies Wide Open"

I’d like to retell a story shared with me by one of my clients. It is full of themes which many of you – if not most – can relate to - trust, lies and deceit.

In Sharon’s (not her real name) own words: “I met a man about five months ago. Our initial meeting was innocent enough – it a setting most people would assume was a great place to meet quality people. And the truth is it is.

Over this time period, we spent more and more time together and because we were ‘into each other’, decided to move the relationship into being exclusive. We verbally agreed ‘exclusivity’ meant neither of us would date or be involved with other people, and we would concentrate on getting to know each other better. Unlike other relationships that may have bumps early on in the ‘getting to know you’ phase – we did not. It was smooth sailing and both of us were having lots of fun, enjoying each other and finding out more and more about the other.

I was happy, excited and eager to spend more and more time with this man. The friendship, intimacy and closeness grew each day. I thought he was experiencing the same.”

Sharon’s story sounds good so far, right? Read on!

“On the heels of a great weekend doing activities and enjoying each other’s company, I noticed he made a shift away from me. I describe it as an emotional and physical distancing from where we had grown - to being more cold and withholding. He became reluctant to plan ahead to see me. He was more attentive to his postings on Facebook and his phone blinking a text had arrived than to our time together. He quit calling me during the day when he was at work to talk and stopped his spontaneous ‘let’s go do something’ asks. In short, his attitude and behavior toward me was more unavailable and a bit cold.

I knew he had some recent personal experiences which caused him to be more introspective and chalked up his shift inward as an appropriate and normal response, given the circumstances. I was supportive of him and didn’t push. As it turns out, was I ever wrong! I totally misread his social cues yet, he did absolutely nothing to correct my misperception.

His mixed signals were getting the best of me so one evening I asked to go over to his house and talk.. When I got there, he told me he thought I was going to break up with him, when in fact, it was just the opposite. I told what I was feeling about him and that I figured out I was really falling for him! I told him how happy he made me feel and how I wanted to continue spending more time with him, but was confused, very confused. I told him I couldn’t make sense of our close and intimate moments and at the same time, his sudden distancing and mysterious nature. I needed to understand what was going on with him. I pushed the issue.

It’s then he dropped ‘the bomb’.”

Sharon continued, now in tears, with disbelief and anger in her voice. “He admitted that he had been seeing and talking to his previous girlfriend in an effort to reconcile with her. Over the last few months while he had been seeing me, he was also seeing her. He admitted we were not exclusive as he had promised. He would be with me during the day, leave my house and go directly to her. He admitted to spending time with her, talking with her on the phone, texting her, and trying to work out ‘their problems’ in an effort to reconcile with her - all when he was with me!”

Sharon remarked, “Needless to say, I was stunned. The truth came out. He was seeing the both of us at the same time, even though we had made an agreement to be monogamous and exclusive. Of all potential explanations I made up in my head to understand his sudden cold and distancing behavior, I was so not prepared for this.”

Continuing her story, “You know, Mary, I trusted this man. I was giving him my heart, and he betrayed me. That’s been one of the hardest experiences for to deal with.” “When I asked him if he was in the process of making a decision between me and her, he nodded his head yes. I then asked him directly, looking in his eyes on his living room sofa, ‘So, is it me or is it her?’ His response was complete and total silence. He just looked at me. He said nothing. Minutes went by and he said nothing. No remark. No ‘I’m sorry.’

Eventually I broke the dead air, ‘Your silence speaks volumes. I’m leaving now.’”

Sharon’s story doesn’t quite end there.

She added, “Mary, it was over a week before I heard from him. He wrote me a ‘dear john’ email. What a coward! I emailed him back and told him I had since moved on. That was the end of it for me.”
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Sharon’s in a good emotional and psychological spot these days. She recovered quickly from her sense of betrayal and hurt and moved on. She is not angry or bitter. She is not mistrustful or suspicious. She is back full force in the dating scene and is really looking forward to meeting the man of her dreams. I was very happy to hear her final comments, “I didn’t spend much time being angry or hurt. He had moved on. Why would I want to be with a man who didn’t want me? This experience reinforced a valuable piece of knowledge about myself – listen to my gut. When the pieces weren’t adding up, when he was saying one thing and doing another, I knew things were out of kilter. I had to figure it out. I’m so glad I did!”
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I have other clients who have had similar experiences. I have also experienced betrayal. I’m sure you have too, in one form or another. Read on….

Last year, another one of my clients learned the man she had been involved and living with for many years was still legally married, even though the day they met and subsequent years following, he lead her to believe he was legally divorced. Imagine the profound and deep sense of betrayal and hurt she felt when he ‘confessed’.

Recently a client learned that his steady, exclusive girlfriend of ten months was using her time out with girlfriends to flirt and look for her next relationship, rather than ‘fessing-up’ and moving on! He’s understandably angry and frustrated.
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Keep this in mind. When you lie to someone, you know it! Lies wide open!

The online Dictionary.com defines a lie as “1) a false statement made with the deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood; 2) something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture; 3) an inaccurate or false statement. Lying in a relationship is much deeper and profound than the online dictionary can convey and has severe and may have deadly consequences for the relationship.

Lying involves putting another person’s trust and vulnerability at risk when they otherwise believe their feelings, thoughts and desires are safe and secure with you. Lying with eyes wide open, knowing full well what you are doing, with the hope you do not get caught in the act is deception. This is one of the worst acts of relationship betrayals you can experience.

For the victim: lies cause anger, resentment, disgust, embarrassment and awe! How many times have you heard your friend say, “How in the world could he do that to me? What did I do to deserve that horrible behavior?” If you’ve been a victim, you know the feeling of anger and resentment toward your boyfriend, lover or friend. The embarrassment comes into play because you feel used. Your feelings of like and love turn to a dislike, distain or strong repugnance. You’re embarrassed that it happened to you and have a sense of disbelief that you’ve been duped!

For the perpetrator: he may (or may not) feel guilt and remorse. He may not feel embarrassment and shame. He may feel nothing!

What Can You Learn From These Experiences? If you are the victim, there are four responses: 1) feel hurt, betrayed and angry and stay stuck; 2) feel the pain intensely and move on; and 3) deny it ever happened and problems ensue, 4) work it out with your partner so you can heal and move on together! Of course, my preference is couples work things out, but if one person is not willing to do so, the relationship is doomed. Move on now!

How do you know someone is lying? Well, the truth is, you don’t always know. Most of the time you use your best judgment, knowledge (and maybe hindsight) to put the whole picture together, but no matter, the person lying must come clean with his deceit if you want the complete explanation, but it doesn’t take him ‘coming clean’ to decide to move on with your life. It’s been month’s since Sharon has moved on and she has still not heard a word – and she never will.

What’s true is this: Life is full of risks! Love is full if risks. If you want to be in a close intimate relationship, (even a friendship), you take the risk of being hurt as much as you take the risk of falling in love head over heels. Loving another is worth the risk! MaryBerney©2009






Septebmer 2009: "Does Size Really Matter or Small Moments of Truth"

That old familiar phrase, “size matters” may have a wider scope of truth than you ever thought about!

In our life, we have both large and small events – even miniscule happenings – that impact our very existence.

Think about it! We all recognize the “big” moments in our life, like graduating from high school, choosing a college, changing careers, getting married, getting divorced, the birth of a baby, and the loss of a job and other ‘biggies’!

These events stand out clearly in our mind because we remember them as life-altering events – experiences and happening’s that changed the course of our life – forever! These experiences created significant readjustments to our emotional, psychological, and even financial well-being. For example, graduating from high school made you feel like the world was your oyster! Finishing college launched your first ever career search and also prompted your anxiety about making money and supporting yourself! Getting married meant starting a new and exciting life with your special someone! If I ask you to remember a significant event, I’m sure you can relive it easily, remember the place, the people, the sounds, the smells and even sometimes the tastes.

These big events are milestones - they mark time, anchor us to people, places and things, determine our level of achievement or loss, cause us to change direction and to evaluate our next steps. They motivate us and propel us into the future. They capture our attention and stay as part of our foundation.

They are important. Why? Because these events are actually our moments of truth – your truth – ah-ha moments!

But guess what? There are also moments of truth that are seemingly “small’ and miniscule, but in the big picture of our life, are as equally impactful and life-altering as the ‘biggies’. In fact, I challenge you to think of them as the really important ‘ah-ha moments’.

In between the big experiences are all of the small, day-to-day happenings. Lots and lots and lots of the small every day happenings. In fact, your life is primarily made up of lots and lots of small stuff strewn together to create this endless experiences of daily life.

What’s really important about this is the concept is this: your entire day is made of up small increments of time devoted to people, places and things – and these are the fabric of our life. These small events and experiences either motivate us to be more, do more, or achieve more; on the flip side, they can also propel us to give in, become complacent, frustrated, sometimes bitter and resentful and even worse, sad and depressed.

The alarm going off in the morning is a great place to start with an example! When the buzzer goes off or the music starts to play and signals you it’s time to get your sleepy old butt out from under those cozy covers, you can either be eager, willing and grateful to have yet another day or wake up and begrudge the fact that morning came sooner than you wanted. Guess which attitude and approach yields the best results?

Next, your drive to work is probably the same route, the easiest and most efficient way to the office. And if you telecommute, your route is even shorter – but pay attention! Are you getting the most out of this time? Do you crab about traffic, yell at the guy who doesn’t drive the way you want him too, exercise a few hand gestures and are emotionally exhausted before you even reach the parking lot? Or for the telecommuter in bunny slippers – why are you still in bunny slippers? You’re going to work, not getting ready for bed! For heaven’s sake, get yourself dressed and ready to work, even if it means putting on a pair of jeans and tee shirt. Prepare yourself to make the transition from your home mode to a work mode – every day! Get yourself psyched-up to accomplish those leftover projects from yesterday, tackle the unexpected disasters that show up on your desk today and plan for tomorrow! It’s all within your control to set the stage for a great day – or not!

I work out of my home office most of the time, unless a coaching client requests face time with me. I structure my day just like I would if I were going to an office, only no one is looking over my shoulder. Nope! Instead, I have my clients who are my boss, expecting me to at the top of my game. Guess what kind of positive motivation that generates? Lots!

Another example is the unexpected personal challenge and disagreement with a co-worker. It’s clear you are at odds and vehemently disagree. Do you walk away fuming and fussing about what a SOB you have to deal with at work, try to avoid him or do you attempt to resolve the tension by simply agreeing you’re at opposite ends and want to work things out? Guess which path sets the better tone for you and your work environment?

I challenge you to think about how to use your day-to-day, even minute-to-minute life experiences to propel you into a positive, focused, knowledge-driven, respected, successful and happy life – every single moment of the day! To do less is to live minimally on the fringe!

Here are some everyday scenarios to ponder and see how you can make a small moment of truth become a guiding light for the day:

1.The alarm goes off every morning and tells you it’s time to get out of your cozy bed and get moving! You can choose to get up on the happy side of your bed or the side that’s grumpy and crabby. What face are you going to show to the world today?

2. Every Wednesday you have the opportunity to spend an hour and a half of your life with the same people in a business networking environment. When you walk in the door, will you choose to withdraw and stay quiet, or will you decide to engage and connect with the people in this room?

3. Remember the time you were standing in line with only one item and the person in front of you that had a bucket load of purchases, let you go first? Have you taken time to pass ‘the goodness’ around to someone else too?

4. Remember the time you were getting frustrated finding a parking place and you found one but someone else cut you off and got it first? Did you use sign language, speak unmentionables or laugh it off as having bad parking Karma that day?

5. Remember the time you were talking to someone and there was a clear disagreement and you felt uncomfortable about the outcome? Do you immediately get past that or do you hold on to your negative feelings?

6. Remember the time you had to make a decision whether or not you would do business with someone and you had to decide “no”? Looking back, did you handle it in the diplomatic, kind and assertive way?

7. What about how you treat the gas station attendant behind the protective glass partition when you hand over your money to pay for gas that you believe is too expensive? You may be a bit testy because the price of gas has gone up yet again! Any way you can help make the attendant’s day more pleasant?

8. What about the packer at the grocery store who shoves your favorite potato chips into the bag then asks if you need help out to your car? Does a kind, “No thanks I’m fine, but thanks for asking” come out as a reply?

9. Are you constantly in a hurry, rushing through your day and making your lack of planning everyone else’s responsibility and get ‘bossy’ and ‘barky’ to get everyone to jump when you need it and move at your breakneck speed. What can you do plan ahead, slow down, breathe and ease into things?

10. You want to show your appreciation and say thank you to someone who has done you a favor. What do you do to show your appreciation?

Expect the unexpected!
Be curious!
Exercise fearless thinking!
Be courageous and brave!
Be genuine and real in your behavior!
Apologize when needed!

WHAT FACE WILL SHOW TO THE WORLD TODAY?


August 2009: "Let's Be Friends" - Three Words You Don't Want to Hear

How many times have you been told this line, "Let's just be friends?" Too many? That phrase can become as painful to hear as nails on a chalk board!

It's an experience that (sadly) gets repeated day after day, month after month with both men and women on the dating scene. It starts out: you meet, 'make eyes' at each other and then a few dates later, you end up in the sack! You're not really sure how things moved so quickly, and in hindsight, you wish you had said "no" to your 'chemistry urges', but you didn't! Neither one of you did! Still, you talk on the phone, text, and even get together during your lunch break to say 'hi' during the week! It seems sweet and good.

A few more dates go by and you notice a 'shift' in the relationship - it doesn't seem right - but you don't stop and pay attention to the noise in your head. Great sex continues, you text, or maybe email here and there, yet the relationship doesn't feel right. Then, the three most dreaded words in the English language appear in your next conversation, "Let's be friends." It continues, "I don't think this is working out between us. It's not going anywhere." You gasp! "What? I thought you really liked me? Are you breaking up with me?" The reply, "Well I do really like you, it's just that I think we should be friends. That's all."

Clearly, you know there is no discussion. You've heard this before. There is no persuading; no words will make a difference. No sense even replying, it's a done deal! As emotionally painful as it feels, it's simply time to get right back on 'the market' again!

Believe it or not, this can actually be one of the most intense and wonderful learning experiences in your dating and relationship life you've ever had and change the way you date all together! Pay close attention!

Lesson #1: "Let's Be Friends" NOT!!

Once your soon-to-be-former sweetheart says those dreaded words, it's time to move on! Do not hang on! In my experience, it is not really a good idea to kid yourself into thinking you can 'be friends', when the whole point of the relationship in the first place was to move beyond friendship into a more intimately connected, monogamous, long-term relationship. Why stay involved with someone who's back out hunting for someone else? One of the greatest lines I ever heard was a girlfriend that replied, "No thanks, I have plenty of friends!" If you do remain 'friends' and the new love of your life shows up, consider how you will introduce him or her to this 'friend'. Inevitably, the question will arise, "Did you sleep together?" If you're prepared to honestly answer "yes" and deal with the fallout, then by all means, stay friends.

My coaching advice? Stick to your platonic friends.

Lesson #2: Just because it feels good doesn't mean it's good for you.

Sexual intimacy is a wonderful component of a relationship! It's not only a way to express your 'deep love and trust', but a way to have pure relationship fun! Sex to simply satisfy those 'biochemical urges' is certainly not 'deep love'! At best, it's a physical connection that might convey 'I like you with a temporary 'feel good' result. However, ask yourself, "Is that a good enough reason to move quickly into a sexual relationship? "

My Coaching advice: Never get sexually intimate before you are really ready. Think first. Think again. Act Last.

Lesson #3: Set clear expectations and boundaries. You can't take it back!

Once you start having sexual relations, everything changes, and there's no going back. If you're not ready to reveal yourself, then don't! It is a wonderful compliment that your date wants to be intimate with you, but if the feeling is real, it will only grow with time. Setting clear boundaries is an important aspect of all relationships, especially one that might result in a lifetime commitment.

My Coaching Advice: If the respect to wait until you're ready is absent and you feel pressured to move before you're ready - end things. This is not a good sign for things to come!

Lesson #4: Take your time.

Getting involved in a new relationship is fun. It's a time to practice flirting, teasing and noticing the things that bring on the attention and affection of others! It's also an exciting time to learn how to stay balanced when you're off the charts with excitement, energy and risk-taking feelings! It gives the relationship time to build genuine trust and integrity is demonstrated each time you use your head to make a decision, rather than your basic impulse! Talk, enjoy and let it unfold!

My Coaching Advice: This is the foundation of healthy relationships.

Lesson #5: Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

After a period of time, when you're away from each other, you'll both realize that is a kind of yearning and sense of 'missing each other! You find yourself daydreaming about your sweetheart and feeling warm and fuzzy thoughts - you know what I mean! It's an indescribable feeling that you only get when you've started integrating your life with your new partner. You'll create your unique ways of staying in touch, like texting, emailing, meeting for lunch, a drink after work, and most importantly - talking!

My Coaching advice: Reunions, that is, reconnecting after an absence (short or long), should be exciting and energizing.

Lesson #6: Jealousy is not allowed!

You both had lives before you met that involved people of both sexes. It's only human to want to have a wide network of friends and as you get to know each other, your friendships are still an important part of your life. As the relationship grows, there should be no secrets about who you are with and what you are doing together. When you are not together, you are not in control of who the other is with, what they say, and what they do. If you are non-trusting, insecure or carry baggage from 'ex' who cheated on you, jealousy can creep out or lunge forward and create a very ugly mess to clean up. Do not try to control and manage their time away from you.

My Coaching Advice: Express how much you miss them and love their return to you.

Lesson #7: Not that into you?

A friend is someone you have a platonic relationship with, no sex, no romantic kissing, no romantic involvement. Friends do have affectionate feelings toward each other, and longstanding emotional connections, but friends keep sex and or romance completely and totally out of the picture! When you want something, you make every effort to get it or make it happen. If he or she is not that into you, you'll know it in your gut, because the relationship never crosses into that final frontier of romantic bliss and commitment. It just never happens. It's easy to kid yourself that it will and stay thinking that 'with time' it will happen. I refer to that as the state of total date delusion! Friendship with sex is just that. Don't kid yourself. Friendship with romantic love is just that. Don't kid yourself. Friendship with a powerful emotional connection is just that. Don't kid yourself.



Lesson #8: Date around! Date other people!

Never, never have an exclusive relationship with someone unless it's time for a true commitment - meaning you are the one and only! Make plans to be with others; do not put your social life on hold. Go out on coffee dates, drinks after work, movies, book reviews, out for fun, anything that will keep you in the social scene enjoying life - otherwise you will end up sitting home waiting for 'the call', the 'text', the email, or even the knock on the door. Don't wait. Don't put your life on hold. If you're single and in the dating scene, enjoy yourself - be flirtatious, attractive, and even sexy - with other single, people of course!

My Coaching Advice: My Coaching advice: If you’re single and in the dating scene and there is no agreement on exclusivity, enjoy yourself – be flirtatious, attractive, and even sexy – with other single, people of course! Practice dating. Find out what works for you!

Friendship is a unique relationship that must not be contaminated by the 'date-delusion' that you can be friends with someone who’s rejected you or you’ve rejected. Stick with the real committed friends you currently have and move on to find the love of your life! Believe me, you’ll be much happier and you will have opened the door to true authentic love and romance ~ the kind that makes a long-term, monogamous, committed, exclusive, public, often legal, relationship!

MaryBerney©2009
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July 2009: 12 Ways to Develop Your Leader Within

Ever wonder what it takes to be a leader? I heard it once said that a good leader is someone that about which you can say 1) They are a leader! And 2) I will follow them!

Below are twelve strategy secrets for increasing your personal and business network, circle of influence and demonstrating leadership qualities in your own life!

1. A leader possesses this incredible ability to remain calm under pressure and during the raging firestorm of life! Their motto - "No sweat! I'll handle it!" They have no doubt that out of the darkness comes the light; out of the fire will grow new seedlings.

2. A leader faced with insurmountable complex problems may take pause, but becomes unrelenting, tenacious and persistent in order to deliver creative and workable solutions. Not everyone gets what they want, but everyone gets a great result!

3. A leader does not humiliate or degrade others, but rather, allows others to save face and maintain dignity especially when most needed. Putting someone else down to build yourself-up isn't necessary.

4. Leaders can process information in a non-judgmental, statistical and calculating manner that gets to the bottom- line when results are needed. Just the facts please!

5. The "light at the end of the tunnel" attitude gives rise to attention to detail and self-discipline in order to discover the "needle in haystack" when resolution seems bleak and impossible. The power of positive thinking is amazing!

6. When a leader is under attack by all sides, their compassion and understanding for others keeps them grounded and realistic. Realizing that responding with anger, frustration or bitterness only fosters more of the same, staying in balance is the route to take!

7. Leaders share best practices and short-cuts which makes others better, smarter and more efficient. If I'm successful, you're successful too. Spread the word! Share in the wealth! 8. True leaders have an integrity foundation, an understanding of what is right and wrong, like a built in compass that only leads to true north. Some challenges are a true test of character and ethics and in the end, the truth prevails.

MaryBerney©2009
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May 2009: “7 Killer 1st Date Tips”
Published in June 2009 www.lifeafter50.com and the magazine, LifeAfter50

Got ‘first-date-jitters’? You know-- the worry, angst and pressure that comes along with wanting to make a really great first impression and not mess things up! Want to make a lasting impression, but not the kind that sends your date flying out the door in the other direction, never to be heard from again?

A first date can make or break the beginning of a great relationship, so what you say, how you act, and what you wear all make a big difference! Even after the age of fifty, both sexes experience that sense of worry and even dread in anticipation of the first date. I’ve developed seven ‘killer first date tips’ that will put those ‘first-date-jitters’ to rest and guarantee your first date experience will be first-class! You might even want to have ’50-first dates’ it was so awesome!

1. A Chair Affair
Manners and etiquette will make all the difference in the world and the door swings in both directions!

Guys! You must be chivalrous and open the door, pull out chairs and pay for the tab! Don’t groan out loud about how much the tab is and don’t ask how much to tip! Don’t sweat it! Just do it!

Gals! You must be openly genuinely appreciative and thankful! If a man opens a door for you, then by all means, do not crab at him and tell him you can do it yourself! You might as well go home right then and there with a nasty response like that! He KNOWS you can open a door; he’s being kind and sweet! Say thank you, give him a little squeeze of thanks, a smile, and walk in! Don’t leave to go to the bathroom while he pays for the tab. That’s ignoring his generosity and it’s utterly rude! Tell him thank you for and how much you appreciate him.

2. Eyes on the Prize
In public, there’s always eye candy to enjoy. Forget the babe that just walked in the room; no ogling over that gorgeous GQ guy standing in line.

On a date, there must be absolutely no wandering eyes! Keep your attention and eye contact focused directly on your date! How?

Smile and pay attention to each other as if no one else existed! This is your time together and your eyes must be on the prize in front of you!

3. Love Notes
Just like music sets the scene and mood, so does appearance! Sloppy Joes are fun to eat, but not fun to look at. That “Barbie in Vegasl” look may be visually appealing, but evokes the wrong first impression! How you ‘look’ is a deal breaker! If a woman sees a guy dressed too casually and without concern for her, she won’t give you the time of day. If a guy sees a woman that looks too hard and edgy, he won’t even consider a date!!

It’s still a fact in the 21st century that guys love that sweet girl next door and girls love that ‘manly’ kind of guy! Create love notes with a great first impression!

4. It’s Better by Design
I know it’s tempting to talk about work, but my steadfast rule is do not talk about work on a first or second date! No matter what you do as a living, who you are not what you do, is most important to your date! (If you’re with someone who defines themselves by their career or job – then beware! A date who can only talks about what they do for a living is too self-absorbed and not a good prospect!)

Remember, it’s substance you want in a life partner! Focus your conversation on interests, activities, family, friends! Ask lots of questions to find out more about your date - what do they like to do, how much time do they spend doing it, would they try something new and different? Design your date with laughter, stories and questions!

5. Simmer is Better
It’s true! Sexual chemistry is always the 800 pound elephant in the middle of two people on a date! Both of you are interested to know if this is THE person you want to be with in the most intimate of circumstances!

Public displays of affection like a loving glance, holding hands, a soft embrace and kiss are tasteful and even admired! People around the globe recognize that ‘look of love’. It’s truly unmistakable and it’s a universal language. If your dates continue, there’s plenty of time to turn the heat from simmer to boil, so save the ‘hot and heavy’ for the bedroom!

Please, if you’re not attracted, DO NOT lead someone on! Don’t tell them you’ll call when you don’t mean it! The best approach is to say, “There’s no chemistry for me!” or “It’s not a good match for me.” This is not only honest, but also part of our universal language. Your date’s been in the same situation before and understands this perfectly! There is no offense taken here and no need to say more!

6. Naturally Delicious
Guys and Gals! You are unique and special. You are one of a kind. Staying true to your authentic self captures the moment and the heart of your date. Be natural, engaging, laugh and have fun! So you can’t dance? Aren’t athletic? Will never run a marathon? OK! Not everyone fits in the same mold. Differences provide balance and curiosity in a relationship. Don’t try to be someone you’re not.

Staying true to yourself is naturally delicious when you are just being YOU! Acknowledging and enjoying differences creates opportunity for ‘cross-pollination’!

7. A Gorgeous Finish
No matter how the date went – good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, awkward or easy, fabulous or dreadful – always say “Thank you.” There is no reason to end a date any other way. If you want to end a date early, then be gracious and respectful. Want another date? Then immediately say, “I’d like to go out with you again!”

MaryBerney©2009
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April 2009: Are the Good Ones Already Taken?

As someone over the age of forty, do you ever say to yourself, “All the good ones are already taken!"

As a Life and Relationship Coach specializing in working with Midlife singles, I hear this all the time! It’s just one of the three pervasive myths that continue to haunt Midlife singles searching once again for their soul mate after divorce, death of a spouse, or years of going solo. These myths act as impenetrable concrete barriers and prevent singles from actively engaging in the dating process again and finding true love!

Granted, dating at Midlife is challenging and presents a whole different set of obstacles than dating when you were a teen! Remember the naivety and innocence of puppy love? Midlife love is more astute, experienced and certainly cautious! But, the basic human need to couple and connect remains at the core and can help you overcome these obstacles. Additionally, if you combine that need with a strong desire to meet new people as well as resilience and hope, you’ll get to experience the joy of puppy love all over again – at Midlife!

What’s the first obstacle? The myth we just talked about - that all the good ones are already taken! I know you think this myth it is true, but if we think logically for a moment, we know it is not true. There are plenty of fabulous Midlifers out there! Hey, you’re single and you are “one of the good ones”! Right? Do not jump to the conclusion the pool of great eligible’s is gone!

Don’t worry about the taken ones. They are not on the market and are not available; you do not want to pursue them as they belong to another! You want to pursue and focus the ones who are single, eligible and available! I am sure they would be flattered that you think so highly of them, but don’t downgrade and degrade your list of ‘eligible’s’ before you event meet them! Taking on the belief that the good ones are taken will only cause you to look at each new single person you meet with a jaundiced eye and not be open to the possibilities. If you anticipate a negative outcome, you will get a negative outcome! Third, while it is true that you will not find every single person you meet attractive and a potential life partner that does not mean they aren’t the perfect match for someone else. One person’s antique is another person’s treasure.

Curiosity peaked for the next dating myth? The next Midlife dating myth is looking for love on the Internet (or even speed dating) guarantees you find love, chemistry, meet your match or make that love connection! Contrary to what the media would like for you to believe, the Internet does not work for you 24/7 and speed dating is an artificial competition “’pick-me’ line-up!” These are in fact, your worst enemies and present only artificial opportunities to meet people. Why? Granted, you can search thousands of pictures, spend hours sifting through on-line profiles and electronically flirt with literally hundreds of people at the same time. It’s seductive, it’s addictive and it’s not real – it’s online! Until you actually meet, face-to-face, talk, and get a real sense of this person, all the on-line dating means nothing.

There’s a time and place for competition, like a 5K race or a chess match. Speed dating sets up artificial competitions so people can judge you first by your looks and second by a glancing first impression. I’m sticking by that old saying, “You cannot tell a book by its cover’ and first impressions are just that- judgments based on 4 minutes of “I’m trying to impress you” talk! How can you tell if there is any substance? A speed dating decision is not based on genuine substantive data!

Real relationships happen as a result of meeting face-to-face, making eye contact, responding to a smile, and observing the total picture over a meaningful period of time. A face-to-face meeting immediately activates your senses, turns on your receptors - smell, touch, hearing, taste, vision – so both of you get to determine if there are human and biochemical and grounds for continuing – the spark that get’s lit! (As an aside, yes, I know pictures activate the brain (Playboy, for example), but the real deal activates not only your brain with senses attached, but your heart and mind too! A picture speaks a thousand words but a face to face speaks a lifetime.

Last but not least, the third myth is also a show stopper - there’s no place to go to meet quality Midlife singles. No place to go? Stay home and watch television. No place to go? Hang out with the same friends, get the same results. No place to go? Keep going the same places and seeing the same people you have already checked off your list! Believing this myth allows you to avoid going out with people, trying new adventures, exploring new places and really being open to love. If there’s no place to go, then there are no new people to meet!

I understand the banter of noisy bars is not appealing to you. It might have been fun in your younger days, but as an adult, it’s not your choice to meet the next love of your life in an establishment catering to drinkers and superficial chit-chat. You are interested in meaningful and intimate conversation and aimless banter is not appealing!

Secondly, going to countless networking events to meet people is a novel idea, but it puts you in the category of expecting a personal collision to take place in setting designed to conduct business. Probably not going to happen! You will meet a lot of great people, and maybe even make a business deal or two, you will not find people that are specifically looking to find love and romance at a business meeting.

Third, you might be tempted, but you have no intention of hooking up with someone at work. The taboo against workplace relationships has a good reason to exist and you’ve decided to abide by it. Fourth, in the event you are retired, you already determined that you will have to make new social connections to find new people, and the question still remains, now what?

In the new age of technology and social networking, Midlife singles can use the Internet to search out and identify special groups and places to go that are not bar scenes full of mindless banter and not speed dating competitions that feel you’re on parade! The world is full of real people interested in making new friendships while exploring opportunities for love and romance. Midlife singles have a life-time of incredible experience to share with someone special along with great friends and family, varied interests. There are countless Midlife singles ready to meet that perfect someone, settle down, get married and live the dream.

In addition, singles must use their friends, business associates and acquaintances to learn about opportunities in their local community to meet others. Newspapers, business journals, libraries, chambers, and churches are great sources for upcoming events and opportunities for singles. Engage yourself. Because relationships take time to unfold, repeat participation will help you meet other people, hone your social skills and offer ‘six degrees of separation’, exactly what you want – a wider scope of friends, associates and acquaintances! Engage yourself in something new. Branch out. Expand your network!

Meeting face-to-face is the only real answer to finding the’ right one’ and is in fact purposeful, smart and intentional dating. There’s a special energy and synergy that only happens when you see, speak and interact with another person. When you connect with that other person, it’s their smile that captivates you; it’s their eyes that see into your soul; it’s their voice that melts your heart and it’s the chemistry that excites you. There is no substitute for the real thing!

MaryBerney©2009

This article was printed and released on the website, www.lifeafter50.com in April 2009!
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• Glorious Summer...

San Diego Woman Magazine
July/August 2008 issue
Pages 38-39

"Glorious Summer" was written after taking a brief trip to the San Francisco Bay area for a weekend excursion to connect with a long-time friend. While sitting in the San Francisco airport, I met this incredible woman, my mother's age, who shared with me her entire life story while waiting in the terminal and during our flight back to San Diego. My conversations and exchanges with others inspire and motivate me. Read about empowering moments.

The North County Times
November 8, 2008
B-6
"Life Coach Creates Dating Cafe for singles over 40" by Margo Jackson

• San Diego Business Journal...

• Are the Good Ones Already Taken?...
As someone over the age of forty, do you ever say to yourself, “Are the good ones already taken?“ As a Life and Relationship Coach/Expert specializing in working with Midlife singles, I hear this all the time!... Read full article...