Blog

2010

July 9, 2010
The purple flowers and humming birds are back!

Even though San Diego has had the most unseasonal and chilly temperatures in the history of weather keeping, my favorite purple flowers are in bloom and the humming birds are back. Plus, the jackaranda trees are in bloom with their luscious purple blooms signaling once again that summer is here, even if it doesn't feel like temperature-wise.

Being able to count on something like the consistency of a yearly tradition, a weekly event or even daily routine is important to me. I am like every one else - a creature of habit - and am comfortable with knowing that something will be the same or nearly similar day after day. My dog, for example, is an early riser and is ready to jump happily into the day at 6 am every day of the week. I can count on her to be the perfect alarm clock. I look forward to my hot delicious cup coffee every morning to get my day started.

And yet, I am also a person who like variety and the adventure of discovering something new and different. I am like Dora the Explorer. I love the challenge and excitement of learning something new, going to a new place, eating at a new restaurant. If there's a huge traffic jam on the freeway, you might find me getting off at the next freeway exit and problem-solving how to get to my destination bypassing the gridlock. A woman at the dog park told me about a hike up one of our local 'hills' that requires a sense of adventure. I'm on it!

I am a keen observer of people, places and things and have a great sense of direction. If I haven't been to a city in a couple of years, I can navigate my way around with comfort. If I'm in a totally new place, I study a map (yes a physical map) to get oriented before I go and take one with me to use as a guide. I'll consult with people who I know have been there. I'll read up and get some familiarity.

July 5, 2010
Stress or No Stress: Is There Really Trouble in Paradise?

This month, Janice Thompson is going to be my guest speaker on the We Speak from Our Heart free coaching series. I am excited to hear what Janice has to say and what she is going to teach us on her call.

But, it's got me thinking about this concept of stress and stress management.

No stress is death - not an option I'm ready for at this time in my life if I get to pick.

Too much stress - causes heart attacks, strokes, severe anxiety, and emotional problems like over eating or drinking. Not my cup of tea!

Just the right amount of stress - energizes, motivates, inspires me to be creative, adaptable, flexible, ready to 'go' at a moment's notice, engaged in life. I look for new challenges and learning experiences to keep me moving forward and growing. I face my fears head-on by incorporating them into my daily life so they don't take on a life of their own and take control of me.

June 29, 2010
My Impulse Buy
In October of 2009, I impulsively brought home a 3 month old Shih Tsu puppy. I had no idea what I was getting into at the time, never having owned a dog, much less a puppy. You see, in the past, I was a cat lover.

When my daughter was in first grade, we went to the human society and she picked out this orange and white cat as our family pet. Samantha, or Sammie as we affectionately called her, was a member of our family until she was 13 years old. It was a great relationship and I missed her terribly after she was gone. But like all things, I adapted to a 'no responsibility for a pet life' and moved on, until that fateful Saturday at the Mall when I wandered into the pet store. Now I'm back to having responsibility and obligation to care for a pet. It's been as much of a joy as a challenge as I learn the ways of dogs.

My puppy turned 1 year old on June 22nd. To celebrate, she got a new ball and bone. Heaven for my dog!

On Sunday, June 27th, the minister of the congregation I attend officially retired from ministry all together. The service was outside under a tent and a celebration of her 9 years with this group. My puppy, Sweet Pea, came along with me to the service. She sat on my lap for an hour and a half, being very good, quiet and happy to be a part of the celebration. Margo, the retiring minister, was happy to see her there.

I know some people at the service were a taken aback that I had the nerve to bring my dog, but now Sweet Pea has become a member of my family and one thing I know, Margo loves dogs and she adores my pet. It was the right thing to do.

Sweet Pea depends upon me and in fact, I depend upon her. I'm glad I made that fateful impulsive decision.


June 16, 2010 What is Self-Correction?
As a Coach, part of my job is teaching the skill of self-correction. What is it?

Self-correction is the ability to alter your thinking, feeling or behavior, in the moment to immediately change the path you are on in a conversation, in an activity or in a solo endeavor.

We are actually taught a version of this very early on in our childhood when our parents or authority figure tells us to 'straighten-up and behave!' That is self-correcting behavior, only instigated by someone else! The adult doesn't approve of what we are doing and tells us to get a grip and do right! So, we have to pay attention to their message and follow directions. This is one of the ways we learn to make personal change. It's not the only way, however!

What I'm referring to now is your ability to do this self-correcting without someone telling you to change, ordering you to do something different or otherwise someone else being the facilitator of your change. It's you, recognizing in the moment of your experience, that you need to change course. What this requires is some level of self-awareness: your thoughts, your actions and how they impact others, your feelings and how they hold you hostage to a negative path or projected outcome.

In relationships, this is a very important skill.

At work, we are put in the position of having performance appraisals where our boss will tell us what we are to correct once or twice a year. We always think we're doing a great job until someone comes along and gives us feedback that alters our perception of our self. Of course, you can do a self evaluation, but that requires objectivity and the willingness to admit your weaknesses, faults, inadequacies or areas you need to improve. It can be done!

At play and recreation, self-correcting behavior is often not a concern because our focus is to simply have fun and not be tuned in to making a change. Unless of course, your recreational activities are not cutting it, then you have to make a decision to find some new events, activities to become involved in.

In personal relationships, this is a very important skill because it means you are open and willing to self-correct on your own as a result of your heightened sense of awareness and impact on others. In fact,, this is preferred in all situations!

If you know your life and relationships aren't going the way you want, then it's time to self-correct. Coaches, counselors, therapists are wonderful resources. Reach out and use them. That's what we're here for!


June 1, 2010
Mandy's Eulogy at My Brother's Service, Thursday, May 27, 2010, Collinsvile, Illinois Mandy, one of my brother's daughter's, shared this with everyone. There was not a dry eye in the room.

"It is easy to saint the dead. My father as we all do had his problems, but he was one of the greatest people I have ever known. Any man can have a child, but it takes a true man to be a father. He was my father.

In his gentle way he taught me to be compassionate to everyone, even if they look down on you and treat everyone how you wanted to be treated because kindness begets kindness. He taught me that it is easier to reach out than to hold back and no matter how much pain you are in the music will set you free.

He taught me no matter how horrible and ugly the world can be to stand true and tall, to be thankful, to have hope, to love and cherish everything in your life. To work hard and be proud of what you have, to be a simple man. He taught me never to be ashamed of who you are and to hold your head high. That money means nothing compared to the wealth your life.

My father was one of those people who never had to raise his voice or utter a harsh word. He made friends wherever he went because just by weight of who he was people respected him. He was one of those few truly beautiful human beings that one has the honor of meeting once in a lifetime. Even through he was in so much pain he still smiled and cared for everyone around him. Thinking of them more then himself.

I long for the nights where we sat in the garage watching the rain fall our words mixing with cigarette smoke and old rock music. How he would worry that I was growing up too fast that I was too wild, too stubborn, and too naïve. How he worried I was at least a little like him when he was my age. I didn’t listen. I didn’t know how. I was proud I was at least a little like him.

I ran and didn’t talk to him for a long time. Finally when I came back I was so afraid. Afraid like a child he wouldn’t love me, afraid he would hate me for leaving, afraid that too much had come between us and yet there he was. Holding me so close that it took my breath away and it was like I had never left. We just listened to Cat Steven’s Father and Son and talked in the garage watching the rain again. That was the kind of man he was.

I’m older now and I know how precious those moments were and how patient and loving he was. This man did not have to love me but he did and that was enough. In these moments I want to run home open the door and see him waiting for me. I want him to hold me so tight that it takes my breath away because he gave me something I always wanted. He gave me a home."

May 25, 2010
In Memory of My Brother, Mikie-Ed January 19, 1954 - May 22, 2010

As Written in my June 2010 Coach Line E-Newsletter

This past weekend, May 22, my younger brother, Mike, was found on his living room floor by his teenage daughter when she returned home from a long day at college, work and time with her mom. She called 911, but unfortunately, it was too late. The paramedics pronounced him dead at the scene. He was alone in his home. No one knows what his intentions were at the time and what he was going to do.


My brother was a kind and gentle man. He was soft-spoken, totally dedicated to his daughter and one of the most generous men on the planet. He was happy with his (simple) life in a small town in Illinois. He was loyal and dedicated to his friends and family. In fact, one of his friends, from kindergarten, Paul, was still in his life! Before he became disabled, he worked hard at repairing x-ray equipment in hospitals, and was known for being one of the best in his business. The disability changed his life forever and he never really recovered his life after this tragic incident. It truly was a life-altering event.


Since receiving the sad news from my elderly parents, my feelings have ranged from immense sadness to great relief. Until the coroner's report is available, I have wondered, "Did he suffer? Was he in pain? Did he die instantly or was he on the floor trying to get help?"


I am worried about my elderly parents and the effect of burying a son - an event I know at this age they never anticipated. I think about my niece, who is in her first year of college, and hope she is able to emotionally handle this. I am relieved that my brother no longer has to live in constant pain, having been mostly immobile and confined to his home. He believed in an after-life, so I know he is exactly where he's supposed to be!


Growing up in my family, everyone had dinner together. As part of our dinner 'conversation', we would tease and make fun of each other. It would drive my Dad nuts, because he was not immune from the folly. Eventually, we three kids grew-up, 'left home' and went on with our lives. It's what's supposed to happen, right? In my phone calls, visits back home, emails and cards; I always told my brother I loved him. He returned the sentiment.


And, we go on about our lives and connect with others that meet our needs, fill our souls and create heartstrings. Some co-workers become friends. Some friends become 'like family'. For others, we let go and move on.


Remember the movie, The Bucket List, with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson (2007), where two terminally ill men who decide to make a list of all of the things they want to do in their life before they die? What was impressive for me about the movie is the close relationship and bond the two men develop as their lives unfold during this dramatic part of their life. Yes, they both did incredible things, but what I believe made the difference in the end was their fondness and connection to each other. It was the relationship that made the difference, not what they did.


Relationships matter, though I don't think necessarily because of what we do together, but 'that we do it together', whatever 'it' is. The shared experience, whatever that may be, is what counts and gives us meaning and depth. It's time like this that friendships and family relationships are at their best (and worst), but either way, it doesn't matter because you know they love and care about you!


Relationships matter. Face-time is important! It's one of the reasons I created THE Dating Café, an opportunity to connect (in-person) and create shared experiences for singles who want to be with others, but find it challenging to get out and be with new people. Being alone and single has it's challenges. So why not reach out and connect with others who want a similar experience?


*Do the relationships in your life bring out the best of you?
*Can you be authentic, real and whole with these people?
*Do you tell the people you love, "I love you!?"
*Do you have family and/or friendships that nurture you and care for you when you need it most?
*Are you living the life you want or in a holding pattern hoping things will change?


Additional Note: I have always been the kind of person who believes that life is worth living; that taking risks and chances always pays off; that communicating and expressing yourself brings you closer to people. No regrets, just opportunities to learn, grow, and change course.

My brother's death has given me the opportunity to reflect upon my own life, the relationships that are important to me and what I am most passionate about! I'm leaving today to return to the Midwest to be with my family and visit with my life-long friends. It will be both a sad and joyous time - a time to celebrate my brother, his life and our family. I hope this upcoming Memorial Day you take the time to be with family, friends and tell the people you care about how much you love and care about them.

May 19, 2010
Walk the Talk

I've been working really hard and long hours the last two years. My social life has been nearly non-existent and it was beginning to show. Time for me to put work aside and walk my talk.

I went to a Meet-up group for the first time last night as a participant. It was really fun! (AS opposed to having a Meet-up group for my business and being the coordinator/leader.)

I scoured the Meetup.com web site to identify groups that I would like to 'try out' to see if I enjoyed the activity, the people and the entire experience. Last night was a group that gets together once a month to enjoy wine! Seemed like a fine way to meet people to me!

The group consisted of a wide variety of people, sizes, shapes, occupations, interests, not to mention lots of men and women. There was really no imbalance in the participation of the sexes!

Conversation flowed, no one drank too much or became obnoxious, which might be a concern since it's a group designed around wine! Every one was polite, friendly and willing to engage in a conversation. I left after 2.5 hours of non-stop talking, but I was unusual. I have no idea how long people stayed, but I intend to participate in the next event.

Walk the talk!

May 10, 2010
Resilience and Persistence

I feel like most of my life has been characterized by these two words and certainly now as a business owner, my days and weeks are characterized by my continued persistence and my resilience to bounce back when something does not go the way I had hoped and planned. (Even the best laid plans go awry.)

I think our personalities have a propensity to withstand hardship, get back up on our feet and move forward, but I also believe that we can be taught coping skills, tools and strategies.

One strategy my mother espoused was the "pull yourself up by your boot-straps, wipe yourself off and get going" strategy. It's the don't let the door hit you on the way out kind of thinking. It made me keep on moving no matter what, but at the same time, never really let me absorb and understand what happened. 'Just keep on movin' keeps momentum going, but does not help learn the 'lesson' from that experience.

I prefer the strategy that goes more like, "keep on moving (even if it's a snails pace for a time), AND be sure to integrate, understand and absorb what you'd like to do differently the next time around.

Resilience and persistence are admirable qualities and speak to your positive mental attitude. In addition, I think learning from experience is also admirable and quite necessary when it comes to not repeating the same mistakes over and over again, or not feeling so sorry for yourself so you don't have a grand private pity party that goes no-where! We live in 'the school of hard-knocks' - it's called life. Life, at least mine and the people I know, is made up of doses of greatness infused with doses of heartache, hurt and disappointment.

I think part of your inner star power is your resilience and persistence that make you shine and set you apart from others.

May 5, 2010

Today is my daughter's birthday! It is a very special day for me and for her!

Over the years, and as a single mom, there were birthday's I had to plan months is advance to have the money to buy her a special present I knew she wanted, and there were years that I could afford to go a bit overboard on the gifts. It has all evened out over the years, and it's not the gifts that really mattered.

What's stood the test of time for us has been a tradition I started when she was little, right after I was divorced. It has nothing to do with physical gifts.

Every year I tell her 'The Story About The Day You Were Born'. It's magical account of the day, from the time I woke up at about 5 in the morning when my water broke, to the moment she was born and her Dad and I met her for the first time. Joy doesn't even come close to the intensity and depth we felt toward this wonderful new human being.

It was a wonderful spring day in the Midwest. The flowers had just started blooming after the winter thaw. The sun was shining and the sky was deep blue.....

Traditions are very important in families. Some are only shared between two people, like the birthday story tradition, while others involve many other people.

For singles combining households, new traditions have to be created and old ones respected and carried on as much as possible. These are the connective tissues in our lives and bind generations together. When all else fails, traditions continue.

Mutz, Thank you for being such a wonderful piece of my life. Best wishes for a continued happy, loving, joyful, and prosperous life. I love you more, Mom

May 3, 2010
Do you ever experience that sense of yearning and longing to have someone by your side - like now?

I'm feeling an absence of guy/man in my life.

I put my book and my work ahead of dating the last several years. It's not that I haven't gone on dates or been asked out by great guys, but my focus wasn't on meeting the right guy.

I'm ready. I've completed my Love Acclamation. I'll keep you posted.

May 2, 2010
Book Singing at Earth Song Book Store, Del Mar, CA on Saturday, May 1, 2010 was fun and surprising. Women bought my book. No surprise to me there, but of course, I was hoping some enlightened man would also find his way to the book store to purchase my book! It didn't happen. (There are men that have been gifted a copy of my book and I'm waiting for the feedback. I'll let you know.)

What's the most common words I hear from women who stopped by to chat about their dating woes? It's all related to issues of low self-esteem.
> "Men don't find me attractive." (She's overweight and not comfortable with her body image. Love it or change it!)

> "Tell me where to meet a man?" (Wants immediate answers and an easy way out. Truly, if I knew the one place where every single woman would meet a man, I would be famous and rich.)

> "Men only want women who are 20 years younger and that's not me." (Blaming men. Has an edgy quality about her.)

> "It's not easy dating." (As long as you think it's hard being in the dating arena, it will be and you will be miserable.)

> "All the nice guys are taken." (I totally disagree. I can think of a few right now! Joe, Charlie, David, Jeff, Dean, Jim,...should I go on? As long as you believe that, you will meet men who are not available and maybe not even nice.)

> "He's not interested in me because I'm too smart." (You're looking in the wrong crowd if a man isn't interested in your brain power as well as your femininity and sexual energy. Never, ever dumb yourself down for a man.)


April 19, 2010
What's It Worth?
What's it worth to you to meet the man or woman of your dreams? $1,000,000? Would you pay $100,000? Would you pay $100,000 to meet your lasting love? $10,000? $1,000? $100?

How much money $$$$$ do you spend on latte's, lunch and dinner out, movies, your next vacation?

When you align your spending with your personal values, you can begin to look at your attitude and behaviors toward meeting the love of your life. It's your 'spending barrier' - an emotional and psychological state of mind that impacts your decision and your life around meeting your true love. Taken in the broadest sense here, it means that you're only willing to 'put out so much' energy, time, money and yourself - to meet the right one.

This mindset, that 'cheaper is better', is self-limiting and creates obstacles and roadblocks.

So, let's follow the cheaper is better logic....Would you characterize yourself as a WalMart shopper looking for love? With the cheaper is better logic, this is where you'll start in the dating arena, only putting out so much energy, except you're actually deep down expecting a Nordstrom's kind of guy/gal.. (BTW, I am not slamming this store, but using it as an example, since it promotes the lowest cost items around!) Would you call yourself a Nordstrom's love shopper, putting out the Nordstrom's energy and expecting the best in return?

Your intention sets forth the energy and return on your investment that you put into any task or activity.

Wednesday, April 14
Stress!
How do you cope with it?

You realize of course, that our stress response is a left-over from the flight or fight response that our ancestors needed to stay alive. Now we have stress that arises from job stress, anxiety about being laid off, relationship worries to mention a few.

Stress produces chemicals in our body that cause wear and tear, age us prematurely and cause other physical, mental and financial concerns. Ongoing stress is simply not good for you.

What counteracts it?
1) Great relationships ~ Yes, people need people.
2) Social interaction ~ Yes, people need people.
3) Exercise ~ Regular and routine movement of your body counteracts the negative effects of stress.
4) Proper diet and nutrition ~ Keep you nourished and healthy.
5) Attitude ~ Positive thinking will keep your life moving forward, not stuck in the muck.
6) Lifestyle ~ Keeping life simple, easy and fun are easy keys to stress management.
7) Pets ~ Critters in the house keep you active and going, but beware! Do not let them take the place of human touch, interaction and love. They are wonderful, but not the same.

There is a reason that #1 and #2 have to deal with people! Having the right people in your life buffer and counteract the negative effects of stress.

Being in a significant relationship will help you weather the normal ups and downs of life and not get caught up in the deadly rip current that stress brings.

Tuesday, February 16
OK! I admit! I have been watching the program, 'The Bachelor', on Monday night television!

You know the presmise, a fine young man gets to pick a wife from a cadre of women. One woman gets eliminated each week as the series continues and the pool of eligible bachelorettes dwindles to the final 2. We're there now!

The 'Bachelor' falls in love with multiple women at the same time, all for different reasons!

One of the reasons I like this reality show is in real life, it is possible to fall in love with more than one person - at once - and have to pick the person whom you believe is your future partner.

Should it be a hard decision to make? I don't think so! Why? Because when you know it's the right person, there is no waivering, no doubt, no second guessing. When you have those feelings and thoughts I believe it points to the fact it's not the right person!

Tuesday, February 1
"First you jump off a cliff and you build wings along the way down." Ray Bradbury (Science Fiction Writer)

I am a proponent of taking risks in life. I do not believe that life is worth living if you stay on the sidelines, keep you mouth shut, eyes to the ground and hunker down. UGH! Boring! Suffocating!

Really? Is that anyway to go through life?

I am vocal. I am known for speaking up. I don't want to be the same as everyone else. I want to be unique and different. I want to stand out.

Not in a bad way. Not in a way that diminishes others or makes others feel small and insignificant. That wouldn't make me feel good about myself.

Rather, in a good way. In a way that demonstrates a sense of healthy self-esteem and confidence. In a way that demonstrates consideration and respect for others.

I've been told by my family, friends and colleaques that I raise the bar because I do, have and plan experiences in my life that they would otherwise be too afraid or insecure to do. To me it seems natural.

Have you ever heard of Loral Langemeier? She's an amazing woman. I admire her tenacity, guts and determination. She makes things happen in her life. She does not sit by idly and let the world go by. She makes the world.

I believe that mentoring the behavior I ask my clients to do is important. There are many role models for taking charge of your life and she is one of them. Do you have role models in your life?

Knowledge, skills and expertise are important. The last and critical piece to this equation is 'just do it' (Nike). You'll develop wings on the way down. I promise.

Friday, January 29
There are really only two kind of people, the optimist or the pessimist.

The optimist looks on the positive side of life, while the pessimist can only see dark clouds. Some people try to convince me that being a pessimist is really being realistic about life and calling the shots as they happen. I call that being factual. Scientists and mathematicians deal in facts. I'm talking about attitude. Attitude is the bucket that contains all of your thoughts, views, opinions, and feelings and is the precursor to your actions.

Being single demands that you maintain a positive attitude and hope.

Remember, what you think attracts the same. Closed minds stay in small worlds and get small and disappointing results. Large minds and big thinkers receive expansive possibilities. The universe works in exactly that order.

One of the benefits of coaching is learning how to change your mindset and attitude from a small and closed world to an expansive and endless world. It's similar to the scarcity versus abundance philosophy. If you live in a world of scarcity, there's never enough and you living to makes ends meet. People in the depression learned to think this way and it's affecting millions of baby-boomers looking for love in 2010. Men and women take the approach that they can't invest in themselves; spending money on coaching would be considered frivolous and irresponsible. No, the thinking goes, hunker down, dig in and stay put.

Now let me ask you, "How's that attitude working for you in finding the right person?" The answer, "It's not."

If you live in a world of abundance, you instinctively know you the world is full of options and possibilities. There is much more to come as each minute, day and week unfold. You know investing in your welfare and well-being is critical to your continued success and accessibility to endless possibilities. You are hopeful, excited and eager for each new experience to unfold. The smart and happy people live in this world and teach it to others.

Make a list of all of the abundance you have in your life. Add to it each day as a new experience arises or revelation occurs. Remind yourself of the greatness of your life and endless possibilities.


Wednesday, January 27
Sexy.

Are you sexy?

What about you is sexy? Your mannerisms, your smile? What?

What body part do you consider to be your sexiest part? Your arms, your breasts, your butt, your thighs?

Do you own your sexiness?

Do you allow it to be an expressive part of who you are?

Do you use it to create provactive moments and enticing experiences? I hope so!

Friday, January 22
I participated in the SCORE Women's Networking Breakfast this morning at Morgan Run Resort, Rancho Sante Fe, CA.

As an exhibitor promoting my upcoming book and Feb. 20th Singles Expo and Seminar, I talked to both married and single people. I always ask, "Please, tell me about you!" because I'm interested in knowing with whom I'm speaking! I love that personal connection.

Our guest speaker, Carolyn Gross, wrote the book, Staying Calm in the Midst of Chaos, and spoke on this topic.

She is a dynamic speaker, and this always energizes me at an early morning breakfast meeting. She is also a cancer survivor, and did not succumb to letting the doctors prescribe the worst treatment first to treat her. She speaks from experience and her heart. Let me share with you some of her remarks that sound like something I would say!

"The better I know myself the better I show myself." Yes, I say, "It all starts from within. What's on the inside is what people see on the outside. If you try and fake it, the default goes back to the inside."

"Healthy people are confident people." Yes, I say, "Happy, secure, energized, motivated people are secure in their own skin -- no matter what that may be. Healthy is being real, true yourself and authentic."

"Change your mindset." Yes, I say, "Your thinking (negative or positive) drives how you feel and how you act. Change how you think and you rock your world."

Thursday, January 21
I'm listening to my iPod, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" is serenading me.

I love this song. It has such basic and organic lyrics, like "My love is alive way down in my heart!"

Love is like that -- deep,penetrating,sheltering. No matter where you are, no matter what obstacle is right in front of your very eyes, you can decide to give the relationship another go-around. I will admit and also know, that love is not always enough to keep some couples together.

I've worked with individuals and couples who have experienced 'the TWE effect' (Tiger Woods effect), that is, betrayal beyond imagination and more infinite than the cosmos. How do you recover? How do you move forward? Does 'distancing' -- geographically moving out or away, physically disconnecting, emotionally stopping feelings -- promote healing and reconnectednness or make matters worse?

Here's what true! EVERY relationship experiences lies and betrayal of some kind, itty-bitty (I just can't hurt her feelings) or major (emotional or physical affair(s)). No one is perfect! You might hide your true feelings and never speak up when you should have, you may have mislead and misrepresented, or outright lied. The human psyche protects itself against perceived harm. Parents mistakenly teach us that we need to be 'nice' and not express ourself honestly from an early age. It becomes ingrained into adulthood. 'Nice' doesn't get you a real relationship.

Learning to be real and communicating authentically and honestly is the fundamental relationship lesson here. Practice clear, focused exchanges. Practice firm, direct communication. Practice being authentic, sensitive and assertive.

Tuesday, January 19
Become a living magnet.

Never leave the house with a bad attitude. Never pick-up a bad attitude from a colleague, friend or family member; grocery store clerk or fast food server. Reject all negativity and pesimissim.

Leave the house with a smile on your face and pep in your step and return with a sense of happiness!

Stand out among others as the optimistic, happy and content person.

Monday, January 18
Become a living magnet.

Start thinking, feeling and acting as if you are the most beautiful, handsome, sexy person on the planet.

Stand out among the crowd. Stop trying to be like everyone else and be the best of you.

Seize the power of fearless and passionate living.

Friday, January 15
My upcoming book, Attract the Right Person into Your Life, the Real Truth, is based on my 30 years of clinical, consulting and coaching with literally hundreds of men and women moving them from unhappy unfilled lives to incredibly satisfying and relationships.

When you’ve read my book, commit to attending my workshops, work with me in a coaching relationship and participate in my tele-seminars, you will leave the dating and relationship world of disappointment and frustration and enter into a world of immeasurable happiness and love.

Meeting the Right One, the Right Person starts with you! Tune into what’s inside first –your thoughts, feelings and behaviors – and make sure these qualities and characteristics match what’s outside.

To be successful at my approach, you must commit and organize your life around meeting the right person. Start now!

Remember this! Your goal must be to meet the right person – that’s it. (No goals like I want a man whose 6 feet tall. I want a woman who's (physically) beautiful.)

When you meet ‘the Right Person’ everything else falls into place in your life.

Thursday, January 14
I'm sharing an email I sent to today to a man asking me questions about my qualifications as date and relationship coach and expert. Here is word-for-word what I wrote:

Hi John (not real name),

First, thanks for watching my videos on YouTube. I’m glad you took the time to check me out!

Your questions are great - I’m glad you asked me!

What makes me an expert in the field? Why should you or anyone else listen or work with me as a relationship and date expert? Am I being deceitful (misleading) in making this claim?

Obviously, I do believe that I’m highly qualified, as do my clients and others, and here’s why:

1) Let me start with my qualifications: Besides working as a licensed psychotherapist with individuals and groups, I’ve also enjoyed work in health café, employee assistance and training and development – in each situation, providing coaching, consulting and health and wellness initiatives. After completing a Master’s Degree in Social Work, I started working in the mental health field in 1976 as a psychiatric social worker, counseling individuals and couples through major life and relationship issues to help them get back on track. Over about a twenty year span, I worked with literally hundreds of people in small business to Fortune 500 companies with great success. Such things as depression, anxiety, phobias and addiction all interfere dramatically with an individuals’ ability to lead great lives connected to great people. These and other experiences have lead me to what I believe is real and “right-living” now.

2) I am trained as a professional Life and Relationship Coach (www.lifepurposeinstitute.com) and I assist teaching coaching skills to new students. The last sixteen years I moved into a coaching and consulting role continuing my work – only with a different focus. Again, I have helped hundreds of people move their life and relationship in the direction they want and exceed their goals and expectations.

3) This unique combination of clinical work experience, consulting and coaching is one reason I’m qualified to do what I do and significantly sets me apart.

4) Here’s the personal stuff: I have been married and divorced and subsequently experienced the dating world first hand. I’ve been on everything from “‘the date from hell’ to having a marriage proposal and engagement gone wrong. I’ve been in satisfying and loving long-term relationships where both of us decided it’s time to move on. I could be married if I chose to be.

5) I am very evolved in knowing myself as well as understanding others, relative to most people. This is something I don’t take lightly because I have had clients and friends who know exactly the same of their own volition. It’s easier to see when you when you know me, but here goes: I am more experienced than most people at relationships, not because of the number of men I’ve dated, but because of my thinking and highly evolved perception of people. I have the ability to very quickly assess a person or situation – something that many, if not most people have a very difficult time with. I am very intuitive and experienced. I understand exactly what single people go through and need.

6) It is precisely because I’ve been single that I have a better and expansive understanding. Unlike other coaches in San Diego (and nationwide) who simply say that going through a divorce and being single again makes them an expert, I have the phenomenal life and work experience to prove it!

7) So the short answer to your question is because I know exactly what I want that I am single. I don’t settle for less than what I want – in any area of my life. I recognize when something isn’t working much more readily than some. I can discriminate and determine what’s right for me very quickly, and in my work I teach people how to do this too. You do not have to kiss a lot of frogs or date a lot of duds to find the right one. That’s a dating and relationship myth. I don’t sell myself out and neither should you.

8) If you combine my work experience, skills knowledge and personal life, it makes me an expert in the field. I am currently recognized by numerous publications, radio and TV and others experts as an expert in my field. I am insightful, evolved, smart, engaging and open.

9) My book that’s being published next month, “How to Attract the Right Person into Your Life, the Real Truth,” is an approach that works. I’ve been teaching it to clients for years and I want everyone to have access to it.

10) I invite you to ask my clients! They will tell you the truth. Here’s one testimonial:

“Being a widower and spending more than a decade in the dating world, I didn't think there was much more I could learn about dating, relationships and myself! I was totally confident that all I needed to do is keep meeting women and eventually I'd find the right one – like a numbers game. I’ve met a lot of great women, but never the right one.

Participating in THE Dating Cafe monthly events affirmed I am doing many things right in how I meet and interact with women. However, participating in Mary’s workshop ‘How to Attract the Right Person into Your Life’ helped gain me clarity and focus in my dating and relationship knowledge and skills. Her keen assessment of me and my situation strongly challenged me to make some changes! I’ve learned to be more vulnerable and to spend less time on relationships which have no potential for true love. I also learned that getting in touch with my sensing skills and trusting my intuition will help find the right woman for me, even though it's not easy for an analytical-thinking scientist like myself! Mary’s “Attract the Right Person into Your Life” workshop reminded me of the need, not just want that all adults have for genuine love. I know who the right person for me is and can literally describe her to you. I look forward to meeting her soon!

Jim

(Retired scientist, father, world traveler, and world photographer, San Diego, CA)”

Again, I really do appreciate you asking me rather than just assuming. John, I hope I have answered your question here. Feel free to schedule a complimentary phone consultation with me to determine if you would like to work with me individually. I also invite you to join men and others at the first Singles Expo and Seminar, “Attract Love and Prosperity into Your Life, on Saturday, February 20, 2010, NTC Promenade at Liberty Station, 8:30-noon. Details are on my website, Upcoming Events page.

I would love to speak with you and hear ‘your story’ and help you find the right one for you.
Mary Berney


Wednesday, January 13

The information below is quoted directly from Vanessa Summers e-blast today. Although Vanessa is a business coach, what she has to say is totally applicable to personal relationships. My comments are in italics.

Make sure the people in your personal and business life are the following:

1) "Bright and shiny. Your people should have almost a shine to them. Something about their energy and the way they appear to you is light, and it just plain feels good to connect." In dating and relationships you can tell immediately if the person you are with has a positive or negative attitude. There's no in-between. Stick with the positive people. Say 'no' to negativity.
2) "Appreciate and value you. Your people connect with you and your products and/or services and the style in which you do business. They are grateful for the opportunity to work with you and oftentimes let you know it, too." Call it intuition, your gut, or sensing™ as I refer to it in my upcoming book, 'How to Attract the Right Person into Your Life, the Real Truth', you'll know pretty quickly after you meet someone if they value and respect you. These are first steps to a great date and relationship.
3) "Understanding and flexible. This is one of my favorites. Your people are more than willing to work with you through small-hiccups that may occur, such as a billing error, a change in schedule, an e-mail accidentally re-returned, etc." OK, this doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you or give them the benefit of the doubt when it's not called for. However, adaptabilty and willingness to go with the flow is an asset. Life does not have to be planned out to the minute detail.
4) "Happily refer you to others. Your people love to share with others the opportunity to work with you. They value how your product and/or services have helped them, and they genuinely want to help their circle of influence be more successful, too." Your friends, colleagues, family should be shouting from the rooftops how wonderful you are. So should your special person. No buts about it.
5) "Want to grow with you. Your people are excited to see your business grow and prosper. They are always open to exploring new ways in which you can provide new value to them and take pride in your success." That dream boat, hunk, babe must move in a parallel universe with you - not exactly the same universe, but reachable by communication, intimacy, shared values, experiences, priorities and goals. He or she must demonstrate how proud they are of you and how good you make the feel.

Vanessa continues, "Do you have these people in your world? If not, start today by asking yourself what would you need to change in your world today with how you show up for your business and life to align with more of 'your people'? What new criteria could you establish for yourself when it comes to doing business today?"

What about in dating and relationships? These qualities and attributes are just as important!

Monday, January 11
Are you fiercely driven to results in your personal life? Do you push through the pain and keep going even when defeat and failure seem right ahead? Are you motivated by passion and desire to find the right person for you this year?

If you answered 'yes' to the three questions above, then you are on the right track to finding the right person for you. Now answer this, "Tell me your exact plan to make it happen?" You can get from San Diego to New York with no plan and no map, but the trip will be painful, long and maybe even disastrous. Make sure you do not approach meeting the love of your life the same way.

If you answered 'no' to the three questions above, then you obviously have some work to do! It means that to be feircly driven you'll have to step out of your comfort zone and into what you might think is a danger zone or unknown territory. It means you will have to take stock of what works in your dating and relationship tool box (experience) and maybe start over with some new tools and knowledge. Your current sense of well being will be altered. It also means that you have to give up thinking you can do this on your own and you need to reach out for help.

The first step is to know what it is you want. You have to decide what it is exactly you want in the dating and relationship arena. Once you know the anwer to this, everything else will begin to fall into place. For example, do want to date randomly, socially, to find an exclusive dating partner, to find an exclusive mate, to find a marriage partner?

Friday, January 8
I had business coach ask me if I get 'criticized or grilled' for not being either currently married or in a relationship because I'm a Date and Relationship Coach. Interesting question.

If you've read 'All About Me' on this site, you know I have been married and divorced and in significant relationships in my life. You'll also know I've turned down several marriage proposals since my divorce and had my fair share of dates - good, bad and disastrous - like everyone in the single scene for any length of time. In addition, I've worked with hundreds of individuals and couples over the years. I am very evolved in the dating and relationship arena. I can make decisions pretty quickly when it comes to knowing if a man is worth spending my time with and getting to know. I also have effectively taught hundreds of individuals to do the same.


What do you think? Let me turn around and ask you the question. "Must I be in a relationship at the present moment to be a relationship or date coach?" Email me at thedatingcafe@yahoo.com with your thoughts. I'm interested in hearing from you.

Thursday, January 7

*How alive are you? Very, so-so, not so much?
*How animated are you in conversation? Very, so-so, not so much?
*Is you voice monitone? Yes or No?
*Does your voice change in volume, tone and intonation in conversation? Yes or No?
*Do you think other people see you as an allluring and interesting person? Yes or No?
*Do you present yourself in an alluring and inviting way? Yes or No?

Stand in front of the mirror and really take hard look at yourself. Look at yourself like someone else would see you!

Wednesday, January 6

A picture says a thousand words, or so they say!

If you’re a woman working the Internet dating sites to find true love, then you know the only way, and I repeat, the only way to get any traffic is to post your picture. If you do not, you will bomb out. No man will even bother to read your profile.

If you put up a seductive picture, which might make you look very attractive, men will jump to the conclusion you’re ‘a bit loose’.

If you put up a picture of yourself as you are, then you may get traffic, but not so much, because men may think the attractive quality is missing.

If you put up a professional shot, then you may come off as too perfect and not get the kind of man traffic you want.

So what’s a girl to do?

Here are my 3 tips for finding love through your online pictures:
1) Only post pictures that have been taken in the last 3-6 months. Never post any picture that was taken longer ago than that. Men despise this! They want to see you now!!!
2) Make your main profile picture that is a great head-shot, from the neck up as you main photo. Make sure it captures your essence, spirit and personality.
3) Post 3 more pictures, one showing your entire body in a comfortable place in a standing position, one in a skirt or dress, one in jeans and tee-shirt and the third in business attire. Give the men an idea of who you are in your different roles. Here’s why this is so important!
Men day dream and fantasize about you with them as they see you. When they do that, they connect with you on a very personal level (they are not really aware of this) and that helps them to choose you!

Tuesday, January 5
How do you make your JUJU work for you? You know exactly what I mean. JUJU, that alluring, tempting, dynamic part of you that wants out and wants to be playful, flirtatious and even seductive. It's just human.

Well, the answer is this, be natural about it. Don't force it. The A in Attractive stands for AUTHENTIC, which means your JUJU must be genuine, complimentary, inviting, and interesting. If you don't think you have good JUJU, then coaching will help you discover this very vital part of you. If you have it and are afraid to use it, then stop that right now. Fear keeps people in closets and stopped in the path of life. Just let it go and let it happen. Genuineness is the spontaneous and organic parts of YOU!

Sunday, January 3
Last night I saw the movie, 'It's Complicated', with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. If you haven't seen it, the film is about a middle-aged divorced couple (with three grown children and a son-in-law to be) who proceed to have an affair after leading separate lives for 10 years. He has remarried, she has not, so she becomes ‘the (evil) other woman’ – the one that steals him away from the loving wife, exactly what happened to her when her marriage broke up.

I’m not a movie critic, but this film shows what I believe really happens to many couples who divorce or end a relationship and wonder if they get back together and can jump start an entirely new relationship that based on years of marriage/relationship that has long since ended. In my years of practice with couples (married or not), I have found a human and natural curiosity to the question, “Can we get back together and be couple again?” I’ve done it with men I’ve been involved with for years, broken up and tried to rekindle the fire. I’ve know hundreds of other people who have tried exactly the same thing and failed. I must admit, I don’t know of any couple who has been able to successfully start a new relationship after years of separation and separate lives.

Some lessons:
1) Don’t have an affair with anyone. It’s dishonest. Make sure that s/he is divorced (not separated) or has ended a relationship before you get involved.
2) Keep moving forward in your life and your relationships. It doesn’t work to go backwards.
3) Feelings are not a sign that something is logical, rational, ethical, moral, or good for you. Feelings are just feelings. They do not always accurately reflect that is real in the
situation or the world. Even if it ‘feels good’ it’s not a sign that what you are up to is an acceptable behavior, hence “I like this feeling so I’ll keep it up.”
4) You are as desirable as you want to be at midlife.
5) Give yourself time to recover from a divorce or ending of a relationship. Dating just to date can be a great way to get back into the swing of a social life, but don’t expect to meet the love of your life.
6) Create a rich and full life. It must sustain you during your relationship or marriage and afterward.

January 2
It's a New Year and a New Decade!

On Thursday, Dec. 31, 2009, I emailed my press releases like I do every month announcing the news for the next THE Dating Cafe. Several hours after my email went out, I heard from Tiffany Frowiss, Channel 6 CW San Diego news asking me to be on San Diego Living on Monday, January 4, 2010 talking about the 5 Tips for Finding Love in 2010.

Here they are:
1) Commit to attracting love and romance into your life. Put everything you have into this. Organize your life around magnetizing love into your world. No half-assed attempts allowed. I wont use that language on live TV, but it's the truth.

2) Decide to do all new activities and events this year. Leave the old behind. Don't drag friends along, they distract you from your goal and interfere with others approaching you. Use the Internet to research Meet-up groups and other activities you will become involved in to meet new people. Think interests, politics, books, nature and environment, art. Expand your world.

3) Be ready. Be ready on the outside and the inside. For example, first impressions are critical. Never to go out of the house dressed like a slob or sloth. No one thinks that's the least bit attractive. Gym clothes are great for the gym, not out at the grocery. Take pride in how you look. If you don't like how you look, then change it. There are no more excuses. Underneath that attractive exterior must be a confident and assured man or woman. People are attracted to confident and assured people -- not to much, not too little.

4) Use your contacts to help you meet new people and create new opportunities. Spread the word. Don't wait for someone to come knocking on your door.

5) Persistence is a given. Don't stop because you aren't getting the results you want. Evaluate what's not working and change the course.

Friday, January 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My friend, Susan Graham, has an annual New Year's Day party at her house. You can choose to participate in the La Jolla Ocean 'Plunge' prior to her soiree, or just show up after a group of brave individuals return from the plunge. I chose the latter. You never know who will show-up for the party, so there are always new comers and previous participants. It's a wonderful and fun afternoon. Plus, my friend lives in a large condo RIGHT on and overlooking the Pacific Ocean. With the doors open, you can hear the waves crashing non-stop, see the surfers, birds and sometimes an occasional porpoise or whale. The weather was spectacular today with the sun shining brightly and a warm breeze. It is a New Year's taste of heaven.

Besides having a traditional get-together, when you are there, part of the tradition is to throw out a word for the New Year. On a blank piece of paper, you write down what word you want to get rid of and burn it in the fireplace. This year I picked TWO words, failure and doubt. These concepts and words will no longer be a part of my life experience this year.

The next part of the tradition is to pick a word or phrase that describes what you are 'taking-in' during the year. My word and concept came easily and quickly --- prosperity! I am taking in as much prosperity into my life as possible.

And my vision and intention for my life in 2010 is to attract, magnetize, keep, grow and share enormous amounts of love, happiness, and financial security and prosperity.

What is your vision and intention for this New Year?


December 17, 2009 She Changed My Life"
Two months ago to the date I got a puppy.

I was mall walking one Saturday in October and while making the turn to go up the other side of the mall, there stood the pet store. It was packed with adults and children of all ages smiling and laughing from ear to ear. I was captivated and went inside.

I was enjoying all the fun everyone was having looking and playing with the pets and decided to join in. I asked to hold and pet a very small black and white puppy. Oh my, it was so much fun I lost track of time. At least an hour went by.

Eventually, the sales clerk came by my stall and asked me, "Do you want to buy the dog or not?" My answer, "Not really. She's too expensive. I can't afford it." She replied, "Make an offer. I'm sure my manager will accept it." I thought for a few minutes, made an offer, and an hour later, went home with a 3 month old puppy. I bought a 'chick dog' - a Shih Tzu. What had I done????? Was I CRAZY?

It wasn't until later that evening that I came to realize what I had gotten myself into.

Getting a pet is a life-altering decision. It changes your life just like having a baby or getting married. It's a serious comittment requiring time, energy, and lots of love. My puppy gives me lots of free doggie love vibes, licks and kisses. I have plenty to give to her.

One of the most positive results from this impulse buy is I've met more people in the last two months than I've met in the last two years. Yes! It has been my experience thus far that people who have pet are very friendly people - and it doesn't hurt that my puppy, Sweet Pea, is the most adorable little dog on the planet. Everyone who meets her says so! I'll take their word for it. Not having experience with a dog, I get lots of advice on puppy training, feeding, bathing, etc., which I seriously think about and sometimes put into practice.

One of the other great benefits is meeting the people in my neighborhood. Well, meeting their dogs to be exact, like Marley, Lucy, Ruby, Lily, Bo-Bo, Hash Brown and Bailey's Irish Creme, to name just a few. What a great way to meet new people!!!

There's a restaurant in my neighborhood, Cafe Merlot, where I've held THE Dating Cafe events that is dog-friendly. They encourage you to bring your pooch out to eat with you, as long as you are willing to sit outside on the patio. They even make their own dog food and treats. The food for humans is great too!

Now, I'm seriously thinking of having a Dog Day for Dating Cafe in 2010!!!

December 15, 2009 "Year End Thoughts: Decisions, Decisions"
The end of the year always forces me to do two activities for my both my personal and business life, take a look back and of course, take a look ahead. Both give me valuable information about me and my connection to others.

I think hindsight is really a great advantage. If you're like me, you've said "I wish I had done that differently, or I wish I had said that differently" in review of a situation. It's from these moments in time that I can learn a lesson and make a decision to handle situations so much better than I did the first time. Without hindsight, I can't readjust going forward. The key here is to be honest with myself about what worked well and what didn't. Keeping my head in the sand and denying my input or contribution will only perpetuate the problem.

Strategic thinking and planning is what I do to think ahead and pay it forward to myself and others. Simply setting goals is never really enough. Unless I have a plan with steps to implement my movement forward, I get lost. I need a map, some direction and guidance. I think about the activity, the consequences and the details. I do not make decisions lightly. I have always possessed the ability to understand and process information quickly, and can if needed, make rapid fire decisions. I adapt to change easily and am not at all afraid of taking a risk. All the great people in the world and individuals who have made the world what it is today (Albert Einstein, Ameila Earheart, Bill Gates, the Nobel prize winners, the Presidents, and many others) have gone out on the edge. It's where it's at!

Anyone who has started their own business walks to a different drummer. Out of necessity, you must be driven, results oriented, focused and willing to make lots of mistakes to be successful. That's me. Mistakes don't bother me, but I do want results!

So what have I learned or need to be reminded of - again?
1) I am a social being and like being with people. They give me power and energy. This isn't a new piece of information, but it validates what I know and reinforces my comittment to my networking and connecting with others. Being an entenprenur can be lonely!
2) I have to work smarter and more efficiently.
3) I still want to make a difference in the world. After graduating from college, I had this idealistic notion and all these years later, I still do.
4) I have to do better at following up with people.
5) I still have high expectations for myself and others. Sometimes I get frustrated because other people do not set high standards for them selves or their work. I'm still learning to deal with this.
6) I either adapt and change to use the new technology to my advantage or become a relic. The learning curve for me seems steep. Guess which alternative I pick?
7) It's always my decision and choice. Not choosing is a decision - by default the situation will continue.

I hope you take time to reflect upon 2009 and the things you have learned and I look forward to hearing about your plans for 2010.

My best wishes for joyous Holidays and a happy New Year. Warmly, Mary


October 2, 2009 "OPERATION COURAGE IS BEAUTIFUL"

I have decided to help Ms. Nargis Asaria, Owner, Re-Nous Spa, Del Mar, CA bring happiness over the holiday's to the women serving in our military in Iraq and Afganistan. Below is her letter describing her project. Please pass the word and join in if you like. It's a great cause, and believe me, every woman walking knows how important it is to have 'girlie things', like rich wonderful shampoo, soothing fragrant lotion and deep condidtioner for your hair.

In her words-
I’m working on a holiday project called “Operation Courage Is Beautiful” that will make a difference in the lives of women in the military. This project is about sending care packages specifically for the brave women who are deployed in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. Our goal is to express our appreciation for their contribution and to bring a little joy and femininity to their service lives.

Servicewomen have told us that they would love to receive items such as deep conditioners and nice-smelling soaps and lotions when deployed. These items allow them to feel “pretty” and “feminine”, which really helps boost morale.

Please visit our blog article that has more details and a list of items servicewomen have suggested to us: http://stylesynch.com/blog. Feel free to add to this list!

We are doing a week-long drive at Re-Nous Day Spa from November 1st to November 7th, 2009 where you may drop off items you want to donate (from the suggested list hopefully!). Donations can also be dropped off at any time before the official drive.

Would you like to be a part of making Operation Courage Is Beautiful a reality? We need product and/or monetary donations to help defray shipping costs. Please pass on this message to all your family and friends.

Your Contribution is Greatly Appreciated,
Ms. Nargis Asaria
Re-Nous Skin & Body Spa, 823 Camino Del Mar, CA 92014, (858) 755- 5754



September 28, 2009 "THE Dating Cafe One Year Later"
It was one year ago that I launched my concept of THE Dating Cafe. Happy Birthday to 'my baby'!

I'm really proud of myself. It's been a long year and I've worked really, really hard. Putting together a monthly event is not as easy as it seems. Putting an event together with a specific target market, midlife singles looking for true friendship, love and romance, has proven to have its' challenges and successes.

Very Biggest Challenge - finding lots-numerous-many - quality men who are want to meet quality women AND sign-up and come to THE Dating Cafe (also referred to affectionately as TDC). Don't get me wrong, the men who do come to TDC, or I invite back, are the cream of the crop. (Some men and women are not invited back. There have only been several occassions where this has happened. I have strict standards.)

I guarantee you, these are the men you would take home in a heartbeat to meet your parents. They are smart, funny, hard-working, insightful, good communicators, thoughtful, interesting men. Need I say more? Trouble is, I want more! Many more. Why? Keep readiing and it will become so obvious.

My Next Biggest Challenge - There are so many incredible women who come month after month to TDC in hopes of meeting that special, quality guy - who just might be 'the one'. (My TDC always has more women than men.) I want these phenomenal women to have the chance to meet lots of men so they can attract the right guy into their life.

My Successes - Happy clients. People who return because the love the atmosphere, people and conversation at TDC. People who come for the first time because they are courageous and ready to meet someone special. Men and women who might date and then decide to be friends. Guys who make new guy friends. Women who make new women friends. These men and women know that dating is not about numbers, it's about the number of quality people you invite in your life.

My Biggest Successes - My clients who after years of dating and attracting the same kind of people in their life, figure out what they really want in a life partner, and start attracting the right people. People who haven't dated in years break out of their shell and blossom into confident, secure men and women. People who refer other people to come to TDC.

My book, THE Dating Cafe, Attract The Right Person in Your Life is in the editing process as I write. My next biggest challenge will be sharing this incredible dating and relationship model with everyone! It will change your life forever. I promise. Mary


September 24, 2009 "Planning Ahead"
 Do you prefer to put something on the calendar and know what's in store?
 Do you prefer to leave the calendar open and just go with the flow?

I've been noticing that there are two kinds of people, those who like to plan and those who don't. Well, maybe there are three types, one who does a really balanced mixture of both, but....they are rare.

Those who like to plan, like me, love to have something to look forward to in the future. I like the time I spend anticipating an upcoming fun event. The fantasy and dreaming about how wonderful the experience will be gets me charged up!

But there are people who don't like to plan or commit and if you ask them, they have as much fun too, it's just that they have no idea what's coming up in their life. Plus, they don't want to be tied to a promise or agreement ahead of time. They just want to let things happen around them.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that there are parts of my life I have total control over and parts I do not. I know and appreciate the difference between the two. And, I do love the element of surprise. I do not want my life planned out minute-to-minute or year-to-year.

The rub comes in when I want to control something I don't have control over - I get frustrated, annoyed and sometimes angry - at me for not letting go of wanting control. It's just another life lesson for me and you too!

September 15, 2009 "The Gym in the Morning Is Not My Favorite Place"

I belong to a gym. Do you?

I went to the gym this morning. I generally don't like working out in the morning because my body doesn't feel limber and flexible. Instead, I feel stiff. Also, I've never liked working out in the mornning because working out for me has always been a stress reliever at the end of the day, a way to transition from work mode to home and play mode. It all stared when I was in college and drove in the same carpool with my Dad and his coworkers. My Dad was able to get me a summer job at the company where he worked, so it was perfect to have a built in ride to and from the office. Problem was for me, I couln't wait to get home and unwind. I was a mere college student working in a office with engineers, chemists and scientists.

I started working out daily when I got home from work and it's been my life-long companion ever since. It started out as a way to get out of the house before my mother served dinner and we were all expected to be at the table and turnded in to a life-long love!

Working out in the morning seems like just the opposite of what I need to do to take care of me. I get creative when I work out. My mind gets free and I solve problems. I feel free and innocent.

Yet, because my schedule today wouldn't permit me to work-out in the early evening, I chose to go early.

The gym I belong to is filled with lots of seniors, in their 70's and 80's. The fact they are there walking on the treadmill, using the weight machines and even the eliptical contraptions gets my brain and body to move and get going. It's still not my favorite place, but I have no excuses to stay home and be a slug.


September 2, 2009, "A New Experience: Parade of the Masters, Laguna Beach, CA"

I did something for the first time ever in my life! I went to a one-of-kind art show.

Every year for the past 37 years, Laguna Beach, CA comes to life with artists and live art. The Festival of the Arts and Pageant of the Masters is famous and renowned. This yearly endeavor, The Festival of the Arts is an outdoor venue with prestigious juried art of all kinds, while The Pageant of the Masters is an outdoor performance “where art comes life™”. Such works like Madonna of Port Lligat (1950) by Salvidor Dali, On the Borderline (1940) by Frida Kahlo, Allegory of the Faith (c.1670) by Johannes Vermeer and King Kong (1933) RKO Warner Bros appear in human form!

It is beyond magical! It is exquisite!

I’m not an artist. I don’t know a lot of art history. I love museums, browsing through their corridors with artifacts safely tucked away behind glass, and making sure I see the latest exhibit. Live art now takes my idea of art and performance to a new level!

The San Diego Art Museum is one of those places I like to go, and I recommend as a great first o second date experience. First, the museum in Balboa Park – a great place to walk, picnic or people watch. Second, the museum is either free or low cost (depending upon the exhibit) and third, you and your date are creating a shared experience. One of the most important components of meeting and getting to know someone is doing exactly that – making new footprints in the sand!



August 4, 2009, "Disappointment - Not At The Beach!"

Over the last week, I experienced a disappointment. For me, disappointment is a feeling of being let down, of promises not being kept or of expectations not being met. I had plans to meet a freind and go on a picnic on Sunday afternoon. The whole week before the picnic, we talked about where we would go (to Balboa Park), what food we would pack (yummy snacks like creackers, cheese, nuts,grapes, and of course wine) and what our contingency plan was if it was too hot (move to the beach). All week long I anticipated how much fun I was going to have with my friend. I was excited!

When the day came and I got the call, "I am so sorry. I have to cancel. I'm sick" my heart sank! I was dead silent. I was so incredibly disappointed. I had built up my expectations for the afternoon. First, I love picnics - it's one of my favorite summertime activities. Second, I was looking forward to spendng time with my friend, talking, laughing and relaxing in Balboa Park. The setting alone is renwing and revitalizing! Third, now what? My Sunday afternoon was all planned out and I was left with creating an afternoon of fun by myself (my friends had already made plans). I felt bad for me and bad for my friend.

When disappointment happens to me, I have to stop and realize exactly how I feel (sad), what I think (poor me) and then immediately set a positive plan in place to 'move' me out of the self-centered doldrums into a happy place. What is the point in moping for more than a few minutes, much less all day or being a cry-baby because I didn't get what I wanted? Ugh! Just typing it and reading it sounds awful.

So, turning lemons into lemonade I put my swim suit on and went to the beach! This time of year, the waters off San Diego are warm and wonderful. No wet suit required to play in the Pacific ocean. For all of you who think the ocean water in CA is warm - it's not! There is only a brief window in the summer when the ocean waters warm up like a bathtub and make it glorius to swim in the ocean.

I love the ocean. I love the beach. I love the water. I love how the color of the water changes during the day. I love the sound of the waves crashing on shore. I love the sand. I love the smell of the ocean. I love the sounds of children and adults playing and romping at the beach. I love that there are many people in swim suits of all shapes and sizes - it doesn't matter what you look like or who you are. When you are there, you are a beach baby!

MI spent the entire afternoon at the beach, either sunning on my blanket with my umbrella making some shade or making intermittent trips into the water, wave diving and jumping up and down with the waves. Total bliss! Total heaven. What a fabulous afternoon!

July 10, 2009, "I-Wish Game"
Have you ever spent a few minutes wondering what in the world you would do if you won the giant jack-pot lottery? The one that is worth mega-millions and will keep you financially secure well beyond your present physical life - assuming you don't act totally irresponsible with your money and blow it?

Fantasazing about what to do with all that money is a fun mind game, a way to wish yourself into the world of financial security, if only for a few brief moments. When I have people over we play the "I Wish" game. It starts out with one person who pretends she won the mega-millions and must tell everyone what 2 things she would do with her money. It's then the next person's opportunity to build on what the first person said. It must be two different wishes, but it must somehow relate to the first two wishes. Then it's the next person's turn. We keep going around the room until we can't think of anything else or get tired of the game. By the time we're done, we've created this phenomenal fantasy world with lavish material items, services and people.

What we realize when we're finished is this: First, none of us buy lottery tickets so the opportunity for this ever really happening is zero! You've got to pay to play. Second, the probability of any of us winning is so remote, that we don't want to spend our dollars on a wish, we'd rather spend our money on something else. Third, we all realize we love our life the way it is; all the fun and laughter we had with each other playing the game gives us immeasurable joy and we are happy that we have each other as friends. We plan our next get-together and then kiss and hug at our "good-bye's". I always sleep really well those nights!


June 29, 2009, "The Humming Bird and the Flowers"

My desk sits in front of a large window, and outside the window are these wonderful purple flowers. One by one they have come into bloom this summer, creating these happy faces of delicate purple glow! The wind might blow them a bit, but not to worry, they move gently with the wind and slowly return to their original spot. They look like a very happy family, standing tall, proud and looking up to the sky! The blooms are plentiful and rich.

What I love the most: the humming bird that visits them every day. This drop-in visitor moves with such deliberation and speed from one petal to another, no particular plan where to stop, but as soon as she arrives, she's gone! I watch her intently every day. She visits multiple times, or perhaps it is her sister or brother who scavanges the fragrant juice too! I get distracted by her - in a good way! My mind takes a break, I relax and my breathing slows. When she leaves, I go back to work on my computer.

I feel lucky to have her visit my window.


June 26, 2009, "The Universe Does Deliver! Meet Sally Huss and Her Son, Mike!"

Today, through the goodness of the universe, I met Sally Huss and her wonderful son, Mike! Sally's husband, Marv, a marketing guru, found me on Twitter and told Sally we need to connect. Sally called me, we talked and I set up a time to meet her.

Sally owns a fabulous gallery in La Jolla, California called Sally Huss Bright and Happy Art. If you are ever in La Jolla, California, you must make it a point to go there. The address is: 7932 Ivanhoe. It is the most inspirational, bright and creative gallery you have ever been to, not only because of Sally and Mike (who runs the day to day ops for her), but because these two people are just that, inspirational, cheerful, bright, generous, kind and giving people. Sally's great art work, cards, post cards, key rings etc, are whimsical, fun and right on target about life! Besides being an author and artist, she is also an illustrator! Hes son is also very talented musically!

Most importantly, Sally wrote a book, How to Get Your Man, a tried and true formaula for finding the love of your life. Yes, her formula is right on the money! Go to her website and bookmark it! http//www.sallyhuss.com to find her!

Sally and I are of like minds. Her formula, outlined in her book, is consistent with what I teach both my individual coaching clients and is the primary reason I created THE Dating Café. If you bring people together with like-minded hearts and intentions, the universe will create the opportunity for friendship, love and romance to occur.

The universe must know what you want! You must visualize, set the intention and fall in love with the person of your dreams before you ever meet. No more shopping lists. (See my January Coach Line for how to do this.)

Reading her book will inspire you! See what simple, yet remarkable things she has to say. Let her know I highly recommended it! She'll want to hear from you when your "lovie" comes into your world.


June 17, 2009, "It Is What It Is or What the Universe Brings!"

Do you ever find yourself impatient? Wanting something to happen faster than it does? Wanting things to change when they seem to stay at a perfect standstill? Wanting the situation to be different? Wanting to feel differently? Think differently?

When I completed graduate school and was working with late stage chemically dependent men and women who were hospitalized in the state institution, I worked for a man named Joe Coates. Maybe because he was my first boss out of school, or maybe because he had such an impressive presence, I still remember the things he taught me that are applicable in my personal and work life today.

"Beth" (my middle name) he would call me, "It is what it is. No more. No less. Just be in this moment and experience what is all around you. What are you feeling now? What are you thinking now? It is what it is."

Everytime I get ahead of myself and go into the unknown future, or when I go backward and reflect on the past, I have to remember what Joe Coates so aptly and brillianly spoke and taught, "Come back to now. Return to this moment. Experience now."

He would say, "Every one has three choices in this life; to live, exist or die. Anything but being in the now is not living. Don't you want to experience life fully?"

Change can only happen when you experience now and fully grasp all that you are, feel, believe and want.


June 9, 2009, "Frustration and Anger in the Marketplace"

Over the past several weeks, I've noticed a strange occurence - frustration and anger in the marketplace coming from a postion of ego. It might look like, "I'm right, your wrong"; "I'm the perfect person for the job, you don't know what you're talking about:; "I've done this job for 25 years and no one has ever told me I don't do a good job, who are you to tell me I don't know what I'm doing"?

Stress is certainly a state that produces outbursts, unwelcome emails, and sometimes down right nasty behavior. We've all seen it.

I've seen people go off the deep end because they want to be right - at every expense. It's a self-rightous position that goes nowhere and only produces more bad feelings. If your intention it to come out on top and prove how right and perfect you are, and how awful and bad the other person is, only you will lose. In trying to prove your point, you are doing the very thing you are accusing the other person of doing!

If you find yourself arguing with someone, stop immediately. If for some reason you are frustrated and not getting your needs me, stop and get quiet. Stop and listen to your words, your tone, your message. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish and move forward in an assertive and kind way.

If you really want to make a point, make it assertively and be kind. If the other person is not willing to engage with you, then go your way. You can't force someone to listen or even behave the way you want.



May 29, 2009, "Graduation"

It's May and June is coming and it's graduation time for all students across the country. I just want to wish congratulations to all of our high school, college, vocational and military students for achieving their goals to complete school!

It's a time for reflection and anticipation of great things to come!

Keep hope and postiive thinking alive each day as you experience this great new adventure! It's a wondeful life - oh, isn't that the title of a movie?

May 18, 2009, "Lessons from Lunch with A Man: Ladies!!! Pleaes- Do Not Diss Men!"

I just had a wonderful lunch over looking a very scenic part of Rancho Sante Fe, CA at the restaurant La Valencia. You couldn't find a more beautiful and quiet place to meet a man for the first time! He picked the location telling me "It's one of the nicest places in San Diego to have lunch." He was right. Not only was the location and the food great, but the company was also high quality! He made two points that are worth noting!

During our lunch conversation, this sophisticated, smart, nice and down-to-earth man relayed a very important story to me about a woman he had very recenty been introduced to at a party. This woman was was recently divorced and was planning on having a party in another city to celebrate her non-matrimonial status. She had announced the party with a greeting-type card with a very unflattering picture of a male walking into the water,inviting 300 of her friends, colleagues and family. She was apparently parading around the party showing off the invitation to both men and women.

As it turns out, the unflattering picture of the very overweight man was her 'ex'!

My lunch date's point to me was an important one that all women should notice! This woman does not come across as the kind of woman a man would want to date or even be associated with. She is at the least, dissing her ex, a big "no-no" anyway, but also appears opportunnistic, disrespectful and downright mean. She may be very attractive, but not a good catch!

I agree with my lunch date! If she invited me to her weekend get-a-way "party", I wouldn't participate. It does not sound like a fun weekend to be 300 other women bad-mouthing men and talking about the negative and not-so-flattering aspects of the male species!

No need to publicize your displeasure and don't bad mouth your ex, ex-boyfriend or ex anything!

Second point, "the take or leave it attitude of women". I run across men and women who want to meet a really special person for a long term relationship and they shout this perplexing stance. If a woman says to a man "I am what I am so take it or leave it", the man will not even have to think twice - he's gone! This attitude by women so often means they haven't taken care of themselves physically, mentally and socially and are not attractive and appealing to men. Men that assume this attitude reflect the same thing.

Honestly, what it's really code for is "I'm overweght and a bit dowdy" or "I carry around a few extra pounds and I'm out of shape". Not a pretyy picture! If you choose not to participate in the "I don't take care of myself" club, then don't blame other people if you are not found to be highly dateable! Your self-esteem and self-confidence are your responsiblity.

Men love women who are appealing and attractive!

Women love men who are appealing and attractive!


May 15, 2009, I'm Definately on the One Month Blogging Plan! Social Media Really is Important!

I firmlly believe that social media is an important apsect of business today! Relationships come in all sizes and packages! I am on Facebook, Twitter, Meetup and LinkedIn! Keeping with every online portal, including my blog takes time and effort! As you can see, it was a month ago that I wrote an entry on my blog! Shame on me, but in my defense, I've been busy!

I am taking a 4-week course on social media and learning a few things I'd like to pass on:

1. Create alliances! Think creatively!
2. If you Tweet, then quote something motivational, say something about yourself, link to articles and compliment others.
3. Join groups.
4. Give away something for free that is of value on your landing page or web site!

I believe that relationships are important. Nuture them and grow them like a seed that is planted in the spring - it needs water, sunshine, nutrients and tending!

April 13, 2009 "Killer 1st Date Tips!"

I keep running into men and women who despise dating. They feel like it's a waste of time. Here are some real quick killer 1st date tips:
1. A Chair Affair - Be nice. Use your manners!
2. Eyes on the Prize - Keep your eyes on your date! No wandering eyes!
3. Love Notes - Dress for success applies here too!
4. It’s Better by Design - No talking about work!
5. Simmer is Better - If you're not interested, say "No thanks, there's no chemistry for me!"
6. Naturally Delicious - Stay true to yourself!
7. A Gorgeous Finish - Thank you goes along way!


March 26, 2009, "It's Time for Some Fearless Dating"

Fear is a universal feeling. It stops us from putting our hands in the hot fire and walking out into a bucket-load of traffic. Wise choices if you ask me! These are truly hurtful situations. They are also a learned response to a real and present danger.

On the other hand, what if you're at a singles event, look across the room and see someone you want to speak with? If you're shy or uncomfortable in social situations, (even one where you know many of the people there), you won't make a move. Your fear and anxitey will stop you and you'll be stuck in your tracks. You'll have lots of conversation going on in your head like, "He's cute! I should just go over and say 'hi'", but you don't. The opportunity will totally pass you by because you did not take any action to smile big, walk over with your head tall, and stride with confidence to introduce yourself to that handsome guy! Imagine what would have happened if you did? At the least, a brief and fun conversation - at the best, a date for coffee!

Jack Canfield, noted author writes in The Success Principles, "The universe rewards action." What this means to me is that good things come to those who take action, move off dead center and initiate and JUST DO! In the dating arena, fearless dating is putting aside those unrealistic and often long established fears. It is JUST DOING the very activity or event that scares you the most - what ever that may be. Start out by making direct eye contact for 3-5 seconds, smile really big and waiting to get a smile in return, say 'hi' to someone you don't know. (Smiles are contageous.)

You are only as powerful as your actions. Your relatioships are only as deep and meaningful as you give and do.

Did you know that shy, timid, bashful and socially uncomfortable people are perceived as aloof, distant and unapproachable? Other people will not approach you because they don't see you as open and available!

So the answer is YOU must take action! You must begin to make the changes necessary to invite people into your life!

If you're one of the many individuals who is afraid of dating, remember, fearless dating will take you out of the realm of your current existence - that loneley, fearful place. With fearlesd dating you will begin to experience the most compelling, interesting and powerful dating experience you've ever had!

Start fearless dating!!


March 3, 2009, "Your Special Day"

First, today is my sister's birthday. Since I mentioned my brother's birthday in one of my January blogs, I see it appropriate to recognize her special day in today's blog. Happy Birthday Sis! I sent you a birthday wish on Facebook so all of your friends could see!

How do you celebrate your birthday? Are you one who loves to expand your birthday from one single date on the calendar to a week's worth of celebrating, or do you plan ahead and have a one-day birthday blow-out bash? Or are you one to not make such a big deal about it and just go on about your business like it was just another ordinary day?

My parents are not (and were not) keen on celebrations like birthdays or Valentine's Day, and in our household I never quite got the feeling like there was a lot of deep feelings about my special day. Birthday's and other holidays seemed more like an obligation to celebrate, or better yet, recognize the day.

Once I was married and had a child, I made sure that birthday's were really special days along with days like Christmas, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Independence Day and the first day of school just to name a few! I wanted to make a big deal about these special days.

I'm glad I did!

Psychological research shows that anticipating good things and fun is a healthy way of living positively in the world and your environment. It changes your brain cells like a exercise and laughing! It creates those endorphins that make you feel good! It's good for you and your mental health!

WE MUST have something to look forward to, no matter how small or insigificant it might seem. Getting a cup of coffee at your local coffee shop in the morning? Think about how good the fresh coffee smells when you walk in the door! Having dinner with a friend? Think about how much fun it will be to catch up on all the gossip! Going to a March Madness game? Think about the energy of the crowd and and excitement of the game! Getting your car washed? Think about how happy you are to have a clean, shiny car!

Given that every day we are bombarded by the media with tragic, often incomprehensible bad economic news - it's CRITICAL to anticipate something good and wonderful coming along in your life.

What are you looking forward to today?



February 20, 2009, "Red Flags!"

I recently received a request for a first date by email. Have you ever had that experience?

I read it over numerous times, then proceeded to call the gentleman who did the e-asking. "Hi Jim!(not his real name). It's Mary." After a few pleasantries, I asked him directly, "Did you just ask me for a date on the email I just received?" His matter-of-fact reply, "Yes." I waited only a few seconds before I blurted out, "OH! Golly! This is the first for me, being asked out on a date through email! I usually get asked out by a personal call." He confirmed his ask, but made it clear this wasn't the first time for him.

You can tell, I was baffled, confused and left wondering. If you want to go out with me, but do not speak with me, what does this mean? I like face-time or the next best equivalent - a phone call - when having get to know you conversations. Yes, there are some conversations that MUST be saved only for the real face-time. YOu know what I'm talking about. Phones are great for conversations and light-hearted banter. But in my book, being asked out on a date for the first time (or second or third) sent the wrong message and the red flag to the top of the poll.

It seems to me that there are some things that should be taboo in the dating world. First date taboo is asking someone out for the very first time by email. It sets a very bad tone for what is to come. To me, it implies a discomfort and even avoidance for the personal contact and personal communication required to initiate and maintain a relationship.

OK, I'm a nice person; he's a very nice person! We went out several times, but the subsequent dating encounters validated my concern that verbal communication was not his strong suit. There was no exhange of phone calls in-between the "asks" go out on subsequent dates. When I'm getting to know you, I like the talking, sharing, and all that comes with the exchange of words, feelings and thoughts on a personal level.

To be clear, I did tell Jim I preferred a phone call and I would be happy to talk with him on the phone to get to know him. I know, there are people who believe you can have 'relationships' over the Internet, by email and IM'ing, but that is not me. It was an early red flag for me.

What are your red flags?


January 20, 2009, "It Made Me Cry"

I am so very happy. Like millions of peoplel around the globe, I watched on television, as Barack H. Obama became the 44th President of the United States today.

It made me cry with happiness!

Integrity, truth, perseverence, inspiration, honesty, respect, dignity, resilience, dedication, joy, hope, comittment and love. It was all there! Right in front of my very eyes!

A new epoc begins!


January 19, 2009, "History in the Making"

Today is my brother’s birthday, history in the making. He never thought he'd live past 40, and he's past the 50 mark! He celebrates a special day today along with the Dr. Martin Luther King holiday celebration and the eve of an epoc and historic event, Barack Obama's inqauguration of the 44th President of the United States. Granted, it’s not so much fun to have to share your birthday with someone else, especially someone who takes the spotlight away from you.

This year my brother will have to share his special birthday celebration with two other very special people, both phenomenal men – who have made history - and one who will continue to do so along with his gracious wife and adorable children. Gifted visionary leaders, both men devoted to their families and to making our world a better place for everyone.

I was a child growing up in the 1950’s and 1960’s. I have seen the injustices African-Americans have experienced their entire life. I could never understand the degradation, disrespect, mistreatment of other human beings - no matter what race, creed, religion or sexual orientation.

As a mother, I have always wanted more for my daughter than I had for myself! I wanted her life and her world to be infinitely better than what I had. I wanted things to change for her and everyone else.

The collective U.S. psyche has chosen a path for change - a better world; a better United States; a better community; a better life for everyone!

Our President-Elect, Barack Obama cannot do this by himself. Hillary Clinton was accurate when she stated it “takes a village.” Let’s all pitch in and help to make these changes and make it work - for everyone. I’m willing to do my part.

December 9, 2008, "Chat it up a bit"

I sometimes forget how scared and generally uncomfortable people are to walk up to someone new and introduce themselves to someone they really want to meet. Ever since I was a kid, I would walk up to stranges and start talking. No one was ever intimidating and off-limits. The phrase, "You can't do that!" wasn't in my vocabulary. I know I annoyed the people in my grandmother's neighborhood where I'd see them in the yard and go monopolize their time, distracting them from much needed yard work. Today as an adult, I'm still that way. I love meeting new people.

I was at a local Chamber event and a woman I know wanted to meet a gentleman whom she didn't know, but was too reticent to just walk up and introduce herself. I offered to model "introducing yourself to a stranger you want to meet" behavior, and off we went! After meeting him and introducing him to my friend, I determined that he was as uncomfortable as she was in new social situations, but had the grace to "chat up' a bit with us, before we excused ourselves.

Sometimes it's more comfortable to have someone else along to keep you company in new situations and show you how to do something new. I hope the next time, even though she feels some discomfort that she'll march up and meet the guy on her own that she wants to meet, make a big impression on him and connect in a new way!